Kind of Blue

Well, I'm kind of in mourning tonight.  For one thing, it's been almost 3 years to the day since my dad died of an unexpected allergic reaction to a bee sting.  Since that day, things have changed tremendously, in many walks of my life.  No wonder I feel so tired and overwhelmed sometimes.  I mean, it's been great, and I have an adventurous soul.  But, as you know, I've also spent my life struggling with feeling like I have enough value, and sometimes I feel like there's a hole in my heart.

Still...I have so many blessings, I know.  I am SO damn lucky in so many ways.  I'm not even going to go into them at this point, because I've mentioned many of them before on this page.  One blessing I haven't mentioned is the wonderful Facebook group my college class has formed since our 25th reunion, and how great it's been learning about people's struggles and how they've dealt with them.  It's really a virtual community, and it's so nice knowing those people are out there (and even seeing some of them irl -- as they say -- from time to time).

On other fronts, Red Flag Guy and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.  He just stopped calling, and later when we spoke he told me he couldn't give me what I wanted.  He said he felt bad, but he didn't want a commitment right now.  I know that's true.  It was a relief at first, not having to wonder anymore if we were going to get together, because, hey we'd broken up.  Lack of anxiety is a good thing.  But now I'm feeling sad.  It's a process.  I've been out salsa dancing a lot, and as I drive back at night, especially on the Beltway, I miss him.  I miss him in bed.  I miss him spending the night.  I miss us going out to dinner and joking.  I miss being able to send him funny and inappropriate cartoons.  The hard part, when I talked to him, was that he was asking me how I was doing in a casual way, as if nothing was bothering him.  Then when I asked him about the breakup, he said he hadn't called me because he was feeling bad.  And I know his life is going on.  Even if he hasn't found someone yet, he will.  It's that human years/dog years thing with us, and he's the dog.  I'm busy going out, but I can't imagine dating someone now.  I don't think it would be fair to the person.  It would be nice at this point to just have someone take me out and have some decent adult conversation.  That's it.  And it would be nice to have a one night stand, but that's not gonna happen.  Argh...

And I've read all of the effing breakup books.  And I know it's called a breakup because it's broken. 

 (Yes, I've got to read that one again, it's good.)  If you break up, it wasn't meant to be, right?  It may be painful, but you'll see that once you get some distance.  I know that I realized it wasn't right when we were in it.  He didn't want a partner, like I did.  We were domestic together, but he didn't want to be accountable.  I learned a lot and gained a lot, but it was what it was, right?  It's so hard.  Time should help.  Natalie of Baggage Reclaim talks about the landmarks of healthy relationships -- intimacy, commitment, progression, balance and consistency, as well as shared core values along with love, care, trust, and respect.  Well, when someone says he's not ready to make a commitment, and when someone doesn't really want the relationship to progress, what can you do?  Compatibility really won't get you very far if you don't have those things.  Argh...

And then, there's the issue of who else I can find for a relationship?  Or the supposed issue, because the answer is that this is a known unknown.

 

(Sometimes it can be oddly comforting to adopt Donald Rumsfeld's ways of thinking.)  It's not really faith, as in religious faith, but it's more like a comforting logic.  I really don't know what's out there, and I suppose I'm not burned out enough (yet) to be overly pessimistic.  I keep thinking of a book my father gave me in 11th grade called Flatland: A Romance in Many Dimensions.  In the book, the hero explains how since his world is two dimensional, if a sphere were to pass through it, people would only see a circle starting out small, getting larger, and then getting smaller again over time until it ended up as a single point:

I think that our lives are similar.  We're at a single point in time, and I think that as we act, we're preparing ourselves for a future that we can't see.  For all we know, some action that way take can make a huge difference in our lives down the line.  But we have no idea what will lead to what, because we can only see where we are now. and not the big picture.  For example, I keep trying to convince my goddess divorced mom friend Suzanne that all of the painful growth she's been going through over the summer are preparing her for something better.  She can't see it, but I can.  Hopefully my breakup will lead to something better too.  Hopefully I'll raise my standards, as I did after Dancing Guy and his crumbs of texts.  I believe the lessons I learned will stick.  I clearly don't want someone who isn't looking for a partner -- and partner doesn't have to mean marriage, bro.

So, another issue that I have is that I don't have a dating mission statement.  Here's what I can say so far:

"I'm looking for a partner."
"I'm looking for someone who is willing to see where things go."
"I'm looking to learn."
"I'm looking for mutual caring."
"I'm looking for something exclusive."
"I'm looking for someone with whom I have smoking hot chemistry."
"I'm looking for someone to have fun and joke with."
"I'm looking for someone educated."
"I'm looking for someone who is comfortable with different cultures."


It's the first one that bothers me.  What does it mean to say you're looking for a partner?  Well, I like how it was with RFG, to some extent.  We expected to spend our free time together.  I think it's also wanting to be there for each other, and wanting to learn more about each other.  I like what Natalie said about progression as well.  And another thing that she says is that people unfold.  All of those known and unknown unknowns.  It's good, but it's also a qualifier.  When I say I'm looking for a partner, I don't necessarily mean I'm looking for YOU to be my partner, Mr. First Date.  Anyway...

I suppose I'm feeling sad but okay.  RFG asked if we could get together for a drink sometime soon.  I'm of two minds about it.  It would probably make me feel sad.  Where can it go?  If he talks normally -- how's it going?  how're you doing?  you're good? -- I'll probably feel pissed off that he's not talking about the relationship.  If we talk about the relationship, what can we say?  (And guys don't like to talk about these things anyway.)  Rational brain: "So, it's probably best if we don't see each other."  Emotional brain: "But I'm sad and I miss him."  Body:  "I'd like to see him."  Superego:  "Okay, guys, this isn't going to end well."

In any case, my plan is to keep going dancing, to start to take an online Spanish course, and next month -- i.e., October -- bite the bullet and join JDate.  Yes, I'm thinking of checking out the tribe.  I'll give that some time to marinate, and I keep coming up with passive aggressive statements to put in my profile, many of which involve mentioning pork or shellfish.  But, as I said to my goddess friend, Jewish correlates with educated, and supposedly they're my people.  Ay yi yi...

Anyway....I'll keep y'all posted.  BTW, I wrote to the awesome wealthysinglemommy.com, and she posted a WTF Wednesday response to my situation.  She stretched the truth a bit (RFG didn't owe me any money when he ended it), but she gets much of it right.  And the discussion on the comments is interesting as well.  I'm actually thinking that the nice guy/bad boy distinction isn't as clearcut as we say it is.  But more on that another time.

Good night and Happy Labor Day!