....Because it's Broken

Did I say I didn't want drama? About 2 weeks ago now (although I'm still feeling like crap), I had the DTR conversation with Red Flag Guy. I said that I was struggling with things, and that I wanted more in a relationship. His response was that he wasn't going to change. He said, "I can't give up my freedom that came at such a high price," referring to how difficult and expensive it was to leave his marriage. The rest of our dinner went okay -- pleasant, even fun -- but then when we got back to my house, things kind of blew up.

The breakup was my decision. It was based on months of struggle, as evidenced here. I've had a wonderful time with RFG, and I've learned a lot. Still, the balance had tipped somehow. The little jokes he used to emphasize the distance between us were no longer funny. I felt myself getting less patient, and excusing things that weren't the healthiest for any relationship. For example, did I mention the guy at the Salsa Room who kissed me once last summer? Well, he kept asking me out over and over. When he initially asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him I didn't. Well, I didn't, right? RFG didn't want us to use those words.  So, I gave him my phone number, but the next day I called him and told him I was involved with someone. That would have been fine, except that the next Saturday when I saw him at TSR, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight.  And that would have been okay, except there were a few other kisses here and there. Just kisses, honestly. And one time when I was dancing with him, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Romeo Santos concert in June. I told him I was already planning on going with one of my friends, but then I asked him if he wanted to come along. And then, finally, I went to brunch with him. I KNOW there's nothing wrong with going to a concert or brunch with someone, but I didn't tell RFG about it. So, I do feel like it was clearly deceptive. I was clearly hedging.

But there were definitely reasons for my hedging. As evidenced by the material in this blog, RFG wouldn't even come clean about whether we were exclusive or not. We probably were, but when I raised it last year again, he said, "Way to kill the moment." Of course I had to have things for myself....salsa dancing, and, as discussed in the previous posting, social interaction. That doesn't excuse Kissing Guy (note to self -- must come up with a better name for him), but it explains my actions somewhat. I feel like I was a bit wimpy for my actions, and hopefully I'll be more honorable in the future.

So, we got to my house and then we really started to discuss. When we were having sex, RFG said, I think this is the last time we're going to do this, which made me cry. I cried me a river.

But, I kept coming back to the statement: "It is what it is." Shit, it is what it is. And it's called a breakup because it's broken. And then RFG asked me if I'd been seeing anyone else, and I said there was a guy at TSR who kept asking me out. And then RFG felt like shit, and I cried even more. Really, it was a horrible evening. RFG left at 4 am, after patiently engaging in hours of nauseatingly circular chickflick DTR discourse. I slept only 1-2 hours, and then posted on Facebook:  "Free, but shattered."


But I'm not totally free yet. I know I should have cut it off there, but it's so damn hard. We've had a few phone conversations, and I've canceled a couple of dinners. I'm protecting myself, I think. I'm trying to take care of myself (in part by taking Kissing Guy up on his offer of a date, but that's for another posting). And I miss RFG, but I KNOW that it was the right thing to do.  I keep doing the Rain Man thing -- why can't I date RFG and have a committed relationship with all of the hallmarks, including trust, shared values, and progression?  Why couldn't Rain Man stay with Charlie Babbitt and go back to Ohio?  Because IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, that's why. You can't know the both location and velocity of a particle, and you can't make things be what they aren't. It is what it is, my friend.

In any case, I'm feeling like crap, trying to take care of myself, and doing my best to act honorably. RFG is being really nice as I cancel our dinners. I know it's not going to change. What I really want at this point is mutual understanding. I want him to know that I love him, but we want different things. I've already said that to him several times, so I'm not sure why I think he doesn't know that. I haven't told him I've gone on some dates with Kissing Guy, even though he asked if I was seeing anyone. I guess I just feel like, my dating is for me. If I were to go back to him, which I don't see how I can, it would be another story. Jeez, why does this all have to be so complicated?  Maybe I'm just not letting myself see how simple it really is, because then it would be too sad.

In any case, it's been an interesting time (in the Chinese sense). When I talked to KG about my situation, he said clearly, you were just wasting time. You've got to let him go. (Of course, KG has an ulterior motive, but I think he was speaking from the heart.)

So...What does it all add up to? What does it all mean?  I did the right thing. It's hard, and I'm still moving through it. I need to keep taking care of me and doing what I love. I need to be easy on myself and get my work and my taxes done. I need to breathe. I need to have faith. I need to love and be open to love. That's the challenge.

As an aside, here's a great quote from my friend Liz, even though I'm not religious like she is. Just ignore the cross and substitute "Higher Power" or "universe" where relevant.

Where I Need to Be

According to Mark and Angel Hack, as well as the awesome Reverend Julia from IFFP, I'm exactly where I need to be in my life. (This isn't something specific to me, by the way. We're all in this place.) It seems odd that where I need to be is this unsettled place. I had a discussion with my wonderful aunt last week, in which she asked me if I wanted to marry Red Flag Guy (no; my intuition says I can't trust him) or get married at all (maybe, but in any case I certainly would like a partner). Then she essentially asked me why I was spending time with RFG if he was such a dead end (actually,"dead end" was my expression). Our conversation helped me to decide that I need to make myself open to other social connections. Not necessarily potential dates specifically, but that could be part of it. It felt right, even though it had felt wrong in the past.

And, I tell you, I'm sick of the internal drama. In my last posting, I struggled with what to say to RFG. I want more, but not necessarily with him. Or do I? What if he changes? But, he's not going to change; we all know that. But, maybe...? Maybe I just need to say to him that I want more of a partner, but I'm afraid if thinking about it with him because. .. because why? Because he needs his secrecy and he guards his privacy. He's made it clear that my asking about some things is an imposition. I want more progression, although to what I'm not sure. I want us to keep getting to know each other. And I want more trust. Maybe it would be good to have a DTR conversation. (If you click the link, you'll see why Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim thinks this is a bad idea...)

What I really want is a change of attitude, a different outlook. I want to grab life by the...lapels, give it a good revitalizing shake, and say, here's what I want, here's what I'm aiming for. I'm tired of fear and drama. I want to be gentle with myself and know that I have my own back. I want to make my decisions in the now rather than second-guessing future scenarios. So many wants, but, hey, envisioning the future can help you realize it, right?

So, here are some more tangible things I want:
--To get myself out of credit card debt. Only $2,500 left to go.
--To max out my 401K
--To save up a rainy day fund
--To have a posse of female (and possibly male) friends, ideally for salsa dancing
--To be gentle with myself, especially in my search for a partner
--Ditto with regard to treating myself with respect

As for RFG, I want to tell him I'm struggling. I really enjoy being with him and I care about him, but I'm also asking myself if I need more. More of a commitment, more of a partner. I don't want to hurt him. I doubt myself and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. What is it, specifically, that I want him to do? He's so consistent and helpful. Well, I want us to be closer and more committed. I want progression, shared goals, and trust. I should ask him if he sees us getting closer, ever.

All of this isn't easy to articulate or find, as evidenced by my past experience. It's all too easy to doubt my feelings and observations. More thinking is needed, certainly. But I do know that life's too short. I love RFG, but I need more. So, there you go.

If it feels right, take a step. Give it a try, even if it's a little uncomfortable. Move little by little, and reassess. Be patient with yourself and have your own back. Only you can say what feels right. Breathe and be. I'm where I need to be, right now, moving forward with small, exploratory steps. Asking questions and living them.