Where I Need to Be

According to Mark and Angel Hack, as well as the awesome Reverend Julia from IFFP, I'm exactly where I need to be in my life. (This isn't something specific to me, by the way. We're all in this place.) It seems odd that where I need to be is this unsettled place. I had a discussion with my wonderful aunt last week, in which she asked me if I wanted to marry Red Flag Guy (no; my intuition says I can't trust him) or get married at all (maybe, but in any case I certainly would like a partner). Then she essentially asked me why I was spending time with RFG if he was such a dead end (actually,"dead end" was my expression). Our conversation helped me to decide that I need to make myself open to other social connections. Not necessarily potential dates specifically, but that could be part of it. It felt right, even though it had felt wrong in the past.

And, I tell you, I'm sick of the internal drama. In my last posting, I struggled with what to say to RFG. I want more, but not necessarily with him. Or do I? What if he changes? But, he's not going to change; we all know that. But, maybe...? Maybe I just need to say to him that I want more of a partner, but I'm afraid if thinking about it with him because. .. because why? Because he needs his secrecy and he guards his privacy. He's made it clear that my asking about some things is an imposition. I want more progression, although to what I'm not sure. I want us to keep getting to know each other. And I want more trust. Maybe it would be good to have a DTR conversation. (If you click the link, you'll see why Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim thinks this is a bad idea...)

What I really want is a change of attitude, a different outlook. I want to grab life by the...lapels, give it a good revitalizing shake, and say, here's what I want, here's what I'm aiming for. I'm tired of fear and drama. I want to be gentle with myself and know that I have my own back. I want to make my decisions in the now rather than second-guessing future scenarios. So many wants, but, hey, envisioning the future can help you realize it, right?

So, here are some more tangible things I want:
--To get myself out of credit card debt. Only $2,500 left to go.
--To max out my 401K
--To save up a rainy day fund
--To have a posse of female (and possibly male) friends, ideally for salsa dancing
--To be gentle with myself, especially in my search for a partner
--Ditto with regard to treating myself with respect

As for RFG, I want to tell him I'm struggling. I really enjoy being with him and I care about him, but I'm also asking myself if I need more. More of a commitment, more of a partner. I don't want to hurt him. I doubt myself and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. What is it, specifically, that I want him to do? He's so consistent and helpful. Well, I want us to be closer and more committed. I want progression, shared goals, and trust. I should ask him if he sees us getting closer, ever.

All of this isn't easy to articulate or find, as evidenced by my past experience. It's all too easy to doubt my feelings and observations. More thinking is needed, certainly. But I do know that life's too short. I love RFG, but I need more. So, there you go.

If it feels right, take a step. Give it a try, even if it's a little uncomfortable. Move little by little, and reassess. Be patient with yourself and have your own back. Only you can say what feels right. Breathe and be. I'm where I need to be, right now, moving forward with small, exploratory steps. Asking questions and living them.