Trying to take a breath

It's been a while since I've written. I had a huge amount of drama with Red Flag Guy back in March/April, and we ended up back together at the end of it. During the time we were apart, I briefly dated someone from The Salsa Room whom I called Kissing Guy. I came clean about that to RFG, and he shared how he felt betrayed and hurt. Apparently,  he didn't think we had broken up.

In any case, I broke up with Kissing Guy (over the phone, little drama), and at RFG'S request I had an STD panel. It all came back negative,  which was good. RFG was still feeling hurt, but it seemed we were putting all of the terrible drama behind us.

To be clear, I went back to RFG because he seemed more committed and he made it clear that he cares about me. He actually seemed to have made a lifestyle shift, with less partying and more time at the gym. He was still somewhat secretive, though, and he hasn't expressed a desire to meet my kids in the immediate future. But, anyway, I love him and we have a lot of compatibilities.

As for the time with Kissing Guy, I mainly think, "Yuck."  I did the right thing in talking with RFG about how I was struggling,  but I shouldn't have run right to someone else. And to have had unprotected sex...head smack...what a dumb dumb move!

But, look, regarding my choice to date KG, we all make mistakes.  And I may not have been able to gather up the courage to confront RFG otherwise.

So, what's the drama now, you may ask? Well, after having had various symptoms,  it was determined that I have ureaplasma bacteria. It's not really considered an STD, but it's brought all of the shit from last April crashing down on me again. RFG is sure I caught it from Kissing Guy, and he's asking me questions such as whether I've been "loyal."

His mistrust hurts and angers me. I know I hurt him, but I did think we were broken up at the time. I apologized to him numerous times. Argh....His mistrust also makes me wonder about his activities.  But most of all, I'm pissed. I mean, WTF?  I feel like he should be supporting me in all of this. I understand that he's upset, but, hello! Here I am with you, saying I love you, not going anywhere. And this whole thing hasn't been fun for me either.

So, although I'm supposedly relaxing at the beach with my kids, I'm going to call my ob/gym tomorrow to set up an appointment and possibly talk to her. I have a lot of questions. 

And really, I'm concerned about RFG. Can I trust him to take antibiotics and get tested? I'm not sure. He's a documented slippery character.  I'll have to gather more information and take it day to day.

But, damn, I'm pissed off. Enough of this bs. That's why I'm trying to take calming breaths. Over and out.

....Because it's Broken

Did I say I didn't want drama? About 2 weeks ago now (although I'm still feeling like crap), I had the DTR conversation with Red Flag Guy. I said that I was struggling with things, and that I wanted more in a relationship. His response was that he wasn't going to change. He said, "I can't give up my freedom that came at such a high price," referring to how difficult and expensive it was to leave his marriage. The rest of our dinner went okay -- pleasant, even fun -- but then when we got back to my house, things kind of blew up.

The breakup was my decision. It was based on months of struggle, as evidenced here. I've had a wonderful time with RFG, and I've learned a lot. Still, the balance had tipped somehow. The little jokes he used to emphasize the distance between us were no longer funny. I felt myself getting less patient, and excusing things that weren't the healthiest for any relationship. For example, did I mention the guy at the Salsa Room who kissed me once last summer? Well, he kept asking me out over and over. When he initially asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him I didn't. Well, I didn't, right? RFG didn't want us to use those words.  So, I gave him my phone number, but the next day I called him and told him I was involved with someone. That would have been fine, except that the next Saturday when I saw him at TSR, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight.  And that would have been okay, except there were a few other kisses here and there. Just kisses, honestly. And one time when I was dancing with him, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Romeo Santos concert in June. I told him I was already planning on going with one of my friends, but then I asked him if he wanted to come along. And then, finally, I went to brunch with him. I KNOW there's nothing wrong with going to a concert or brunch with someone, but I didn't tell RFG about it. So, I do feel like it was clearly deceptive. I was clearly hedging.

But there were definitely reasons for my hedging. As evidenced by the material in this blog, RFG wouldn't even come clean about whether we were exclusive or not. We probably were, but when I raised it last year again, he said, "Way to kill the moment." Of course I had to have things for myself....salsa dancing, and, as discussed in the previous posting, social interaction. That doesn't excuse Kissing Guy (note to self -- must come up with a better name for him), but it explains my actions somewhat. I feel like I was a bit wimpy for my actions, and hopefully I'll be more honorable in the future.

So, we got to my house and then we really started to discuss. When we were having sex, RFG said, I think this is the last time we're going to do this, which made me cry. I cried me a river.

But, I kept coming back to the statement: "It is what it is." Shit, it is what it is. And it's called a breakup because it's broken. And then RFG asked me if I'd been seeing anyone else, and I said there was a guy at TSR who kept asking me out. And then RFG felt like shit, and I cried even more. Really, it was a horrible evening. RFG left at 4 am, after patiently engaging in hours of nauseatingly circular chickflick DTR discourse. I slept only 1-2 hours, and then posted on Facebook:  "Free, but shattered."


But I'm not totally free yet. I know I should have cut it off there, but it's so damn hard. We've had a few phone conversations, and I've canceled a couple of dinners. I'm protecting myself, I think. I'm trying to take care of myself (in part by taking Kissing Guy up on his offer of a date, but that's for another posting). And I miss RFG, but I KNOW that it was the right thing to do.  I keep doing the Rain Man thing -- why can't I date RFG and have a committed relationship with all of the hallmarks, including trust, shared values, and progression?  Why couldn't Rain Man stay with Charlie Babbitt and go back to Ohio?  Because IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, that's why. You can't know the both location and velocity of a particle, and you can't make things be what they aren't. It is what it is, my friend.

In any case, I'm feeling like crap, trying to take care of myself, and doing my best to act honorably. RFG is being really nice as I cancel our dinners. I know it's not going to change. What I really want at this point is mutual understanding. I want him to know that I love him, but we want different things. I've already said that to him several times, so I'm not sure why I think he doesn't know that. I haven't told him I've gone on some dates with Kissing Guy, even though he asked if I was seeing anyone. I guess I just feel like, my dating is for me. If I were to go back to him, which I don't see how I can, it would be another story. Jeez, why does this all have to be so complicated?  Maybe I'm just not letting myself see how simple it really is, because then it would be too sad.

In any case, it's been an interesting time (in the Chinese sense). When I talked to KG about my situation, he said clearly, you were just wasting time. You've got to let him go. (Of course, KG has an ulterior motive, but I think he was speaking from the heart.)

So...What does it all add up to? What does it all mean?  I did the right thing. It's hard, and I'm still moving through it. I need to keep taking care of me and doing what I love. I need to be easy on myself and get my work and my taxes done. I need to breathe. I need to have faith. I need to love and be open to love. That's the challenge.

As an aside, here's a great quote from my friend Liz, even though I'm not religious like she is. Just ignore the cross and substitute "Higher Power" or "universe" where relevant.

Where I Need to Be

According to Mark and Angel Hack, as well as the awesome Reverend Julia from IFFP, I'm exactly where I need to be in my life. (This isn't something specific to me, by the way. We're all in this place.) It seems odd that where I need to be is this unsettled place. I had a discussion with my wonderful aunt last week, in which she asked me if I wanted to marry Red Flag Guy (no; my intuition says I can't trust him) or get married at all (maybe, but in any case I certainly would like a partner). Then she essentially asked me why I was spending time with RFG if he was such a dead end (actually,"dead end" was my expression). Our conversation helped me to decide that I need to make myself open to other social connections. Not necessarily potential dates specifically, but that could be part of it. It felt right, even though it had felt wrong in the past.

And, I tell you, I'm sick of the internal drama. In my last posting, I struggled with what to say to RFG. I want more, but not necessarily with him. Or do I? What if he changes? But, he's not going to change; we all know that. But, maybe...? Maybe I just need to say to him that I want more of a partner, but I'm afraid if thinking about it with him because. .. because why? Because he needs his secrecy and he guards his privacy. He's made it clear that my asking about some things is an imposition. I want more progression, although to what I'm not sure. I want us to keep getting to know each other. And I want more trust. Maybe it would be good to have a DTR conversation. (If you click the link, you'll see why Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim thinks this is a bad idea...)

What I really want is a change of attitude, a different outlook. I want to grab life by the...lapels, give it a good revitalizing shake, and say, here's what I want, here's what I'm aiming for. I'm tired of fear and drama. I want to be gentle with myself and know that I have my own back. I want to make my decisions in the now rather than second-guessing future scenarios. So many wants, but, hey, envisioning the future can help you realize it, right?

So, here are some more tangible things I want:
--To get myself out of credit card debt. Only $2,500 left to go.
--To max out my 401K
--To save up a rainy day fund
--To have a posse of female (and possibly male) friends, ideally for salsa dancing
--To be gentle with myself, especially in my search for a partner
--Ditto with regard to treating myself with respect

As for RFG, I want to tell him I'm struggling. I really enjoy being with him and I care about him, but I'm also asking myself if I need more. More of a commitment, more of a partner. I don't want to hurt him. I doubt myself and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. What is it, specifically, that I want him to do? He's so consistent and helpful. Well, I want us to be closer and more committed. I want progression, shared goals, and trust. I should ask him if he sees us getting closer, ever.

All of this isn't easy to articulate or find, as evidenced by my past experience. It's all too easy to doubt my feelings and observations. More thinking is needed, certainly. But I do know that life's too short. I love RFG, but I need more. So, there you go.

If it feels right, take a step. Give it a try, even if it's a little uncomfortable. Move little by little, and reassess. Be patient with yourself and have your own back. Only you can say what feels right. Breathe and be. I'm where I need to be, right now, moving forward with small, exploratory steps. Asking questions and living them.

Of limits and love

I've drawn two limits recently, and I'm proud of me.

The first limit involved my goddess friend (or perhaps former friend) S. Just because I'm not friends with her anymore doesn't make her any less of a goddess. But I made a decision to block her from my life, regardless of how wonderful she is. As I noted in my last posting, goddess friend S has disappeared again. She's now dating some kind of baron (really), but it wasn't really any different when she was dating the libertine artist. And each time it happens, I blame myself. I think, well, obviously she's got it all together now, and she's excluding me because I'm still such a mess.

Not very healthy thoughts, n'est-ce pas? And not necessarily true thoughts, since we are who we are, growth is an organic process, and it's not like dating some balding lance-carrying baron is suddenly going to make us healthy and perfect. So...I did call S on it this last time she disappeared. She said all the right things, including how she was still struggling with many things in her life. Still, after that the same pattern happened AGAIN.  Even after me gently calling her on it, she still disappeared and didn't return calls. The straw that broke the camel's back came when I FB messaged her and asked if there was something wrong with her cell, since the VM had switched to a generic message. She responded, but only to say that she needed to get rid of that number. That was it. So, I decided the best response was none at all, and I blocked her on FB as well.

What can you do.... I'm sad. When she was present, she was very present. It's just that she was only selectively present. We don't really have a vocabulary to describe breakups with friends, so I've reverted to drawing upon Baggage Reclaim's vocabulary for dealing with sh*tty guys. And what it comes down to is:

If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to do so.

Crumbs aren't worth it.

And you can't force or guilt or manipulate someone into being there if it doesn't work for them.  If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. It's called a breakup because it's broken.

So, there you go. Flush.  And I haven't heard from her.  If I do, we'll see. The bottom line is that the friendship wasn't healthy, based on my determination made over time. I tell myself this will open things up for friendships that are healthier and more appropriate. Sigh. It's still hard though.

My second limit that I imposed was more of a statement that I put out there. I've been dating Red Flag Guy for over a year. I've documented the problems and challenges here and here and here (and in many other postings as well). I may not have mentioned that it's been a hell of a lot of fun as well.  We have a lot of compatibility, and the chemistry is great.  (That and a dime will get you a ride on the IRT, but it's not nothing.)  I finally -- after an awesome date that really took advantage of our good mutual chemistry -- told RFG that I loved him. It was a limit in the sense that I was saying, here's how I feel. You either deal with it or you don't, but it is what it is.

I mean, what the f*ck, right?  We've been dating for over a year, I definitely care about him, the whole sex thing makes me feel really close to him, and why shouldn't I tell him how I feel? Right?  Yes, it's likely that I "don't know what love is." People say that if you have to ask, you're not in love.  I think that's bullshit. Here are a few things I know about love:

1. I love my kids. Unquestionably, forever, and to the moon and back.

2. I love my mom. Even though she drives me crazy and hasn't always been a healthy influence. Ditto for my brother, only more so with the unhealthy driving me crazy part. Family is family.

3. I think there are different kinds of love. Not to get all platonic/philosophical on you, but some of the kinds are I've observed are forever love, chemistry love, pet love, love that's only love for as long as it lasts but is nonetheless worth it (eg, Hagerstown Hunk), and imaginary love.  I'm not going to go into all of those now, and some of the categories are self-explanatory.

The point is, that I don't think love is binary -- as in, yes, I'm in love or no, I'm not in love.  And I don't think that if you are "in love" (whatever that means), it therefore follows that you're "meant to be" with someone or that this person is "the one."  In fact, I'd vote to get rid of the term "in love" altogether, and replace it with "in lust" or "infatuated" or "pursuing an unhealthy ideal that's really confined to my own head."  To love is the pure, untarnished, unalloyed gold standard, as it were. It's the feeling that matters, and the obligation it creates within you to honor that feeling. It doesn't matter if the other person is an idiot or an a$$hole. YOU have the feeling, and that in itself is valuable. And when I say "obligation," I'm not linking it up to any kind of commitment or relationship status. I'm simply saying that we should be generous with our love and with expressing it, regardless of how the other person is going to respond. Acknowledging and honoring our feelings of love is simply the right thing to do.

So, with that in mind, I did tell RFG that I loved him. I told him not to freak out, and that I wasn't asking for anything. I just told him how I was feeling. And it took some courage. And I felt a little bit like an idiot afterwards, which I told him as well. But really, who cares?  I felt how I felt, and I didn't tell him to evoke some kind of reaction or declaration from him. (Of course a declaration from him would have been nice, but I neither expected nor received one.) And now he typically hasn't been in touch, other than a phone call yesterday, but that's nothing new. (And we do need to keep in mind the human years/dog years thing about women's versus men's perceptions of phone calls.)

The key thing is that a) I owned my feelings, b) I expressed my feelings independently of any expectation of his response, and c) I acknowledged that if expressing my feelings drives him away, then so be it. And I think that's HEALTHY folks, regardless of any other unhealthy aspect of the relationship. Yay, right?  It's a good thing!

So, I'm feeling strangely energized (perhaps helped by an afternoon espresso), a little anxious (nothing new), a bit impatient and bottom-line-ish, and happily un-angst-ridden. Woo hoo!

We'll see...There's still so much to work on, and I'm committed to working on it through doing.  As I've said numerous times before, I need to have faith in myself and the future, inshallah.  Time to breath and smile, I think.

Living my Questions

Around New Year's, a friend posted the following quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

The quote totally resonated with me, as it reflected the process I had to go through to finally decide to end my marriage. Despite the advice I got from numerous friends, relatives, and even strangers, I couldn't act until I had gotten myself to the point that was right for me. It took thinking, but more than that, it took living.

Now I find myself struggling with the same process as I review my relationship with Red Flag Guy, as well as a friendship with one of my Goddess friends. In both cases I feel like I'm not getting enough of what I need, but I'm scared to say anything -- particularly the wrong thing -- lest the friendship/relationship end for the wrong reasons. It ties me up in knots. But this isn't a new pattern, so I also find myself asking what this pattern is and why I'm in it.

Another friend recently posted some links to articles on attachment theory, which posits that our patterns of interactions with our parents at a very young age essentially sets the stage for our relationships later in life. The idea is if our parents don't treat us with consistent caring, we'll end up either having anxiety or avoidance relationship patterns in our adult years. A lot has been written about it, including an analysis of Harry Potter characters. And guess what I've clearly ended up with? Both Ron Weasley and I are apparently anxious attachers. (On the plus side, that's better than Harry, who's clearly an avoider.)  

This comes off to me as yet another pat, unprovable theory that ends up blaming the mother, as always.  But still....some things about it ring true for me empirically. Here's what Psych Central says about "anxious attachment":

"You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner in. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes."

I think that describes me (and, alas, my mother, to some extent). Just reading my past blog entries -- although the thought of doing so makes me cringe -- provides proof. The literature also says that anxious attachers may seek out avoiders because feeling lonely and having to strive for love is a familiar pattern for them. There's more, including some thoughts on how to change your attachment style. All of the writers seem to suggest therapy, but they also say that being in a healthy relationship with a secure person can help. In addition, they say learning to "identify, value, and assertively express your emotional needs" can help, as can self-acceptance and being authentic. Whew!  That's certainly a lot.

So, as I struggle to live my questions and take all of these thoughts into account, I wonder if I should say something to RFG about how I'm not satisfied. I want more intimacy, commitment, and domesticity, although there are certainly limits on how far things can go with him. We're at different points in life, and he's clearly an avoider. I'm just not sure how to say it. I don't want to be confrontational. The important thing is that I should be able to say what I feel, because I'm really in a prison of my own making. I think I should keep these things in mind and let the situation evolve organically. 

I'd like to say something like, "Look, I know you're not looking for a family situation, and you're in a different phase of your life than I am. I'm really enjoying being with you, and I feel like I want more. I feel like de facto I'm your girlfriend, but you tell me I'm your friend or you evade the question...." 

And then it kind of breaks down, and I start to doubt myself. Yes, he's been there for me, he's helped me in many ways, and he's been amazingly consistent. But it feels like each day, each week, I have to wonder if it's continuing or ending. Is that him, or is it me? Or is it a mix of both? Why can't he say straight out that we're exclusive, instead of acting offended or joking around? I just feel like there are some gray areas that make me feel unsettled or even...yes, anxious. And because he holds back, then I hold back. My kids know about him, sure, but I haven't told my mom anything. (That's also because my mom drives me crazy and it's none of her business.) I've told a couple of friends, but not many. Why can't I settle into the relationship? Like I said, part of this is me. There's some fear in there on my part.

So, I don't want to break up with RFG. I care about him and we have a great time together. I just want to be able to express my concerns and my needs.  And that's something I obviously haven't learned to do. (And I do think we can blame my mom for much of this, btw, since she was overwhelmingly concerned with catering to my father and meeting all of his needs, to the detriment of her own needs and those of her children.)  

It's not that I haven't expressed my needs with RFG. Back near the start, I talked to him about how it made me anxious that I cared about him. Also, I've told him how I want more. And he's made clear that he doesn't want much of a commitment, although when he gets all domestic on me it's so damn confusing and falsley tempting. So, maybe there's nothing to talk about. But living my questions requires me to continue to express myself authentically, and to live through it until I'm living the answers.

So....I've squared the circle, as it were, and I'm back at square one. Or am I (deep voice)? As someone once pointed out to me, I may be going in circles, but they're concentric circles and I'm making progress along the way.  So...I just need to keep identifying, valuing, and expressing my needs authentically, and hopefully the answers will come.

As for the Goddess friend I mentioned above...sigh...she's wonderful, but she's been incredibly inconsistent. In fact, she's been the queen of intermittment reinforcement.

 

Do I say something to her? Do I try to change my thinking about her, not so much as a friend I can count on, but as someone I connect with from time to time? It's really hard.  This last go-round, I left her three frickin' phone message, for fuck's sake. I think I will need to communicate with her eventually, if only to express my feelings.  We'll see..

It's all good.  I'm feeling grateful and trying to love, honor, and care for myself, and others, and to live healthily.  Good night!