Back after a long hiatus

It's been a looooong time since I've written.  I'm not sure who will be reading these posts, or if anyone will at all.  I'm nearly 1-1/2 years out since my separation and it's been 5 months since my divorce.  The first year was taken up with the relieved and victorious feelings of having made the move away from my ex.  I reveled in my time with the kids and dealt with the court process.  It was hard in some ways, but I felt like I was in the right place.  Typically, just after my divorce was final in December, the emotions started to kick in.  It wasn't anything about missing my ex, but more like a wave of realizations hitting me -- I'm all alone, with noone to support me as I'm raising these 3 kids.  I felt like diving into a relationship, being redeemed by some stranger, losing myself in someone's wanting and admiration.  The trouble with this, so far, is that it doesn't last very long, and hey, it's not healthy.  I need to learn how to find joy separate from the kids, but pinning it all on dating can and has had dire consequences.  In the words of Abigal Trafford, I'm in the floundering stage.  That's better than the flighty hummingbird stage, but not quite a phoenix who's been reborn.

Sorry this posting isn't as well thought out or as well written as the others (if I do say so myself).  It will kind of be a tmi stream of consciousness, but it's been recommended to me that I write.  I kind of hope noone sees this...but I'm not going to hold back too much either.

So, first "bf" was Fling Guy, in November.  It was exactly what his name said, losing post-divorce virginity and all that.  There was a minimum of agony and angst, and it was generally clear that it was going to be casual.  Ironically, I felt comfortable with him because he works for a big federal agency just down the road.  He's kind of a regular guy, a computer guy, a Baltimore guy, appropriately metrosexual.

Second guy, just after that and even a little overlapping, was the Hagerstown Hick, or HH.  Just out of a 16-year marriage with no kids, he was a smart guy with a good job, although he never went to college.  And he told me he loved me after about a week, or something like that.  Of course, I fell for it.  It suddenly seemed like a wonderful thing to head off post-divorce craziness as part of a couple.  But, just as I was settling into it, it became clear that it wasn't working for him.  He got sick, he had a dentist's appointment, excuse after excuse.  And of course it was agonizing for me.  In the end, he texted me that I couldn't come over because an ex-girlfriend (who I somehow hadn't heard about) was "messing with his head" and he "needed some time" to work it all out.  In retrospect, what the hell was I doing with some guy who kept a rifle in his closet, and had only been to DC once after a year of living in its souless ex-urbs?  Lesson learned -- If someone tells you they love you after a week and does all sorts of fast forwarding and future faking, take heed. 

Next guy was the Boxing Jew (as a fellow member of the tribe, I feel like I can call him this).  He was the kind of person who should have been born in another time.  He was a smart, physically brave guy (as in he did a stint jumping out of planes with the 82nd Airborne) who felt like a failure because he had never really carved out a satisfactory career for himself.  In fact, he had a really interesting but low-paying job doing surveillance for a local health department, but he was unhappy and critical of many things in his life (except for his daughter, who lives out of state with her mom).  Oh, and he was an amateur boxer and -- red flag -- critically into nutrition and healthy food.  By "critically," I mean he liked to criticize the "fat" "rich white trash" women in his office for eating cookies at office meetings.  Another mini-issue for me -- he didn't know how to pronounce Ann Coulter's name.  There's only so many times I can hear "Ann Cooter" as I'm discussing right wing American nut jobs.  Things never really took off with him, and I learned the lesson of not getting physical too quickly and questioning when things seem wrong. 

The fourth guy, who I'm actually still hurting over as I type this, is Cuban Guy, or CG.  (I've also been somewhat tempted to call him Private Sector Guy, but he vies for this title with an Indian guy I had a single date with).  I was thinking he was great for a while, but the great part lasted only a short time. He's this smart, achieving, ambitious guy who (unlike those before him) I didn't have a chance to get bored with or find to be an idiot...yet.  And, shit shit shit, we had good chemistry.  But, after a very short while, he pulled away because he had to leave his job and he's now looking for jobs elsewhere.  In other words, he checked out.  What's painful is that now he's disrespecting me by doing a kind of disappearing act.  I'll get over it...it takes time, but the pain will subside.  In fact, there's more anger now, which I think is good.  Fling Guy (yes, we still chat from time to time) says that acting disinterested and moving on will be the best way to annoy CG. So...I'm working on it.  It's hard.  I keep picturing the time we spent together, including -- strangely enough -- the grounds of his apartment complex.  In time, it will all be farther away.  Lessons learned -- own your story (I shared with him about how I feel anxious about things), speak up for what you want, and don't let anyone disrespect you.  Make decisions that are good for you, and don't try to stay around because some guy is appealing.  I feel SO much like calling him, but I think I would be disrespecting myself if I did.  I'll wait until Tuesday night, and then I'll give him a call.  I left my ring with the nice green stone at his apartment, the ring that I bought myself at the Natural History Museum gem store.  Darned if I'm going to lose that.

It's not like there aren't guys beating down doors to date me.  There are, including Fling Guy (who doesn't have much of a chance....I don't feel like anything casual at this point). The point is that the issues I'm wrestling with can't really be solved by guys.  I've been religiously reading a blog called "Baggage Reclaim," which gives reams of good advice.  I realize that I have a hole in my heart and in my life, and I need to rebuild.  As I wrote above, it's so appealing right now to drown myself, as it were, in someone else's life, but that clearly doesn't work.  I need to continue to grow, painfully, fitfully, even joyfully sometimes.  It's the right decision, but it's a hard path.  I need to keep moving forward, including dating.  But I'm taking a wee break right now, for a week or two.  I need to take care of myself first.  I need to be committed to myself.  I'm blessed with wonderful friends and great resources.  I'm living where I want to be.  It's hard hard hard, but the universe has taken care of me so far. 

Every day I start again, a little further along than I was.  It's always a struggle, a fight, a scramble, a juggle, a dance. I know I'm courageous and I'm a rock star (in the words of the taxi driver yesterday, when he learned I had flown across the country on my own with 3 kids).  I'm sad, I'm vulnerable, I'm energetic, I'm out there, I'm strong, I'm learning, I'm trying to reach out.  It's hella crazy (not sure if I'm using that term correctly, but whatever).  So, I'm going to write more and it will certainly help.  I'm trying to find my joy.  For my divorce avocation, I choose dancing (others have chosen marathons or hiking or long distance biking...those aren't for me).  We'll see how it goes.  I'm still smarting over the potential that CG offered, but -- in the spirit of Baggage Reclaim -- you have to look at what's there, not what could be there or what was only briefly offered.  Still, I miss him.  But I'll get over him.  It's all tied in with the grieving for the marriage and the transition and everything.  I'm blessed, I'm enough as I am, I'm dealing with shit from childhood, I want to live according to my values (which makes it clear that it's a no-go with CG), I'm a good mom and person, it will all be okay.  If it's not happy, it's not the end, right?

I'm still crying as I end this posting, but expressing oneself is good, right?  Take tiny steps, accept myself as I am, feel good about what I'm doing and what I've done.  I'm not alone, even if it may feel that way at times.  And I've got power.  So, that's good, thank God.

Midnight, May 31...time to sign off.