L'Shana Tova

I read my friend Leah's blog tonight (see This Mama's Dharma -- Grandparents' Day, on the right). It really touched me, particularly her quote about "trudging solo up a hill with a battle ax and full body armor, fighting off my own demons." There's nowhere to share these feelings but here, so here I am. I'm writing as my husband struggles to sleep. Our relationship can certainly be described in terms of fighting our demons, or perhaps by using a desert metaphor -- hard, dry, and lonely. It's hard to say where and how our dysfunctionalism started, because I think we both had the best hopes when we started off on our journey together (other than our unhealthy fear of being alone...but I'm sure that's a force that compels many other wise and unwise relationships). I've struggled and struggled with my marriage for years. I've tried to find an external reason for our problems -- ie, my husband. Granted, he certainly has his own challenges, but deep down inside I feel like my focus on his behavior -- no matter how messed up it may be at times -- is just an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for my own decisions.

Tonight I'm feeling lonely. It's the holiest day of the Jewish year (or is that Yom Kippor? So sue me, it's one of the two holiest days anyway.), and I'm with a partner with whom I simply cannot share this holiday. It's not that I'm going off to temple or anything, but it would be nice to share a spiritual connection. But we simply don't have that, not for my want of trying. So, instead I invited my parents over, and we had apples and honey by candle light. (I lit a candle shaped like sushi that my mom gave me for Christmas years ago...talk about multiple influences.) As I write this, I feel like I'm reconnecting with the world, and I feel less lonely. That's part of the magical nature of writing. But even though I'm not feeling so much like bitching and whining anymore, I'm going to share the song that's been going through my mind, by the Police. (Isn't Sting lovely?)

I wish I knew more about this holiday. Maybe someday when I can afford tickets to a high holiday celebration, I'll eventually know more (snark snark). Obviously, it's the new year, and there's the idea of starting again and taking stock of things. As I take stock, of course I'm grateful for my kids, my parents, my job, the fact that I'm living in a peaceful place (although the world isn't peaceful), and even for my husband, messed up as our situation is. I'm grateful for my health, my mind, the beauty of nature, and for common and random acts of kindness.

When I was in Croatia, my boyfriend at the time, a local guy who had a broad view of the world, got his hands on a video about a group of black southern gospel singers. We watched it together, and the images that stuck in my mind are of a bunch of overweight people eating Chinese food and singing beautiful songs. It somehow overlaps with a visit I made to my husband's cousin near Lynchburg, VA, when we went to what passes for a Chinese restaurant there on a Sunday morning. But one song in this video still stays with me. In it, men and women are singing, "We're blessed, we're blessed, we're blessed," over and over. It was pretty amazing to me, because aside from their singing talents, these were just regular people with -- I assume -- regular problems. They weren't especially blessed or lucky, but actually they were, simply because they acknowledged and affirmed it. It's amazing how uplifting something like that can be. I want to continue to keep our blessings in mind this year, because I think it puts me in a better place.

Another thing I want to do is to try to be honest with myself and others about my feelings and also about my marriage. I think being in this dissatisfied, ambivalent place isolates me and also protects me in a bad way. It makes me hold back from potential friends, because I feel like I'm not who they want me to be. I'm not happy in my marriage, but I'm also not in the process of separation. In a word, as stated above, I'm struggling. I'm in this in-between place, and I need to accept myself where I am. Acknowledging this reality will hopefully help me move forward in one way or another. So, I'm not going to hide it anymore, although of course I won't go blabbing about it either. I'll just try to work things out on these virtual pages, and hope that someone is actually reading them.

I wanted to share two great quotes here, just because they both touch me. The first is a poem from Spoon River Anthology called "George Gray," by Edgar Lee Masters. I remember reading it in 11th grade when I was 17, and feeling like it could apply to me if I didn't act. Basically, Spoon River anthology is a collection of gravestone etchings from a fictitious town called Spoon River. The one that resonated with me goes like this:

George Gray I have studied many times The marble which was chiseled for me -- A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor. In truth it pictures not my destination But my life. For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment; Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid; Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances. Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life. And now I know that we must lift the sail And catch the winds of destiny Wherever they drive the boat. To put meaning in one's life may end in madness, But life without meaning is the torture Of restlessness and vague desire -- It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

I fear that I'm a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid. I've traveled and worked in far-off places on my own, building a life wherever I am. I've made the courageous decisions to get married and have 3 kids. Nonetheless, I still feel like I'm running away from my feelings and myself. When I was a kid, I was taught that expressing and even feeling my feelings was wrong. When I was a teenager, I tried to use food as a drug to drown my feelings. (Indeed, I think that addictions of various sorts run on my mother's side of the family.) Starting in my 20s, I sought to "settle down" in a "relationship" to prove that I belonged, eventually ending up in my own highly productive but sadly dysfunctional marriage. Even now, I feel that I overschedule and immerse myself in loving my kids partly to escape my own feelings and fears. I'm sure that this is all normal to some extent, but it doesn't feel that healthy to me.

When I was in Bosnia, my first interpreter said to me, "You're scared, aren't you?" He didn't mean I was scared of being in Bosnia (which I wasn't) or scared because I locked the doors of the car (a habit from living in DC). He meant I was scared overall. He meant I was scared of life. And he was right. I've been very good at moving forward and taking the plunge even though I'm scared. I effing amaze myself, in fact. Nonetheless, I'm still running away from myself. I want to turn myself to face me. I want to catch up with myself, take a deep breath, look into my own eyes, smile, and chill. I want to put on my big girl panties and say, "Eff this, it's all okay." I want to be able to face the future without being undermined by anxiety or fear. And sometimes -- like now -- I think I can do it. I think it's a work in progress, and it's a long-distance endeavor rather than a sprint. Perhaps putting the words down here will help make it happen.

The second quote I wanted to share is by one of my favorite authors. I had this quote read aloud at my wedding, and it continues to resonate with me. It's from Barbara Kingsolver's High Tide in Tucson:

"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job or a limb or a loved one, a graduation, bringing a new baby home: it’s impossible to think at first how this all will be possible. Eventually, what moves it all forward is the subterranean ebb and flow of being alive among the living.

"In my own worst seasons I’ve come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy, over and over again….

“We hold fast to the old passions of endurance that buckle and creak beneath us, dovetailed, tight as a good wooden boat to carry us onward. And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another–that is surely the basic instinct…If the whole living world has to turn on the single point of remaining alive, that pointed endurance is the poetry of hope. The thing with feathers.”

When I was in Bosnia, glad I was there but feeling scared of life, I remember an image that came to me. I pictured myself as a scull (ie, a boat used for crew). As we all know, a scull has a board in its center that juts down into the water and stabilizes it. A scull can skim over the surface of the water but not tip over, thanks to this center board. As I pictured this scull, with its stabilizing center board, I felt a sense of calm and confidence. I will keep this image in mind in the New Year as I move forward in my struggle to leave my safe harbor and travel full tilt ahead in my blessed life.

L'Shana Tova, everyone!

Sick Day

Am home today with Angelina because she has a stomach virus...the same one Sofia had on Friday afternoon, when she threw up at camp. Oh well...I also have a cold, so I'm feeling kind of hazy and dazed.

Am learning all sorts of new things, like how when a child throws up on a remote control, you should never try to wash it. Now we have a dysfunctional remote control and a child who can't watch Dora. Oh man...

That said, here is what I'm grateful for today:

• My kids, and the fact that they're generally healthy.
• Am reading Nicholas Kristoff's "Half the Sky," and I'm grateful that I'm living in a society that values women, relatively speaking.
• That the New York Times on-line isn't charging for it's content....yet.
• That my mom is going to pick up the 2 older kids and bring me some delicious cherry tomatoes later on today.
• That even a former Reagan-era Director of the Office of Management and Budget thinks the Republicans now have it dangerously wrong on the economy. See this article. I wonder if anyone will listen to him?

Spiritual Supermarket

Sofia: Mommy, am I Jewish?
Me: You’re Jewish and Christian. I’m Jewish, and Tati is Christian.
Sofia: Do we go to church?
Me: We go to the Inter-Faith Families Project.
Sofia: Well, I want to go to church sometime, or to some party, so I can wear a fancy dress.

I think this all comes from Miss Odilie, Sofia’s pre-K teacher, who “doesn’t believe in pants” and doesn’t celebrate Halloween because it goes against the teachings of her church. Sofia comes home from Pre-K from time to time saying, “Mommy, tomorrow I need to wear a church dress,” to dress up for picture day or some other event. I don’t mind if she’s exposed to this, as long as it’s not the only way she’s exposed to religion and spirituality. And at her pre-K holiday party, they always have something Jewish and also something Latino, since a plurality of the kids is Latino. At the first holiday concert I went to there, the pre-K sang, “Must Be Santa,” the dreidel song, and some Spanish holiday song. So, I was happy about that.

Overall, I think I like the mix. What does that mean? It means that I feel comfortable being around a mix of cultures and backgrounds, and the area where we live is great for that. My husband has said several times, “It’s not a supermarket,” but I think it can be. For me, the ideal way to expose my kids to religion and culture would be analogous to Trader Joe’s. Lots of different influences, and even the development of some creative new food.

The thing is, though, Trader Joe’s also has its own values system. (Maybe the ultimate value is profit, as discussed in this article today, but the way they choose to make a profit is to respond to the values of their target market.) For example, they don’t use additives or preservatives, even though that real Inca Kola in Peru or gyoza in China would be chock full of them. Another value is reasonable prices, which attracts a certain demographic. In much the same way, I want my kids to learn about different religions and cultures, but I want it to be within the context of values I’m comfortable with. Thus, they can learn about Noah’s ark, but let’s have it taught to them in such a way that it’s not presented as God punishing the evildoers. Or the idea of gender-neutral language in prayers. I want my kids to learn about Jewish holidays, but I don’t feel strongly about abstaining from pork or about circumcision. Stuff like this is not value-neutral or universal. It’s what I believe is right for my kids to learn, based on my own values and upbringing. It’s my own choice at the supermarket. In that sense, how am I different from Miss Odilie, who doesn’t let her son Marcos dress up like Spiderman on Halloween?

I keep thinking about an acquaintance of mine, who I haven’t seen in a while. She has 2 sons, who are a little older than Philip. She lives in a wildly colorful house, with Mexican murals and multicolored floor tiles. She’s from Texas, and only speaks to her kids in Spanish even though she’s Jewish and Anglo. She sends her kids to Hebrew School, but is married to her college sweetheart (after 20 years and a nebbish first marriage for both), who is a Born Again Christian. Somehow, it all works out. I went to their house for a Rosh Hashanah party last year, and I remember her husband singing “Apples and Honey for Rosh Hashanah” while he played the little piano in their living room. It felt so right to me, and in its melting pot nature I think it’s something uniquely American.

My husband, on the other hand, feels totally uncomfortable with all of this. His view is that you are who you are, and you should know who you are. I think he thinks this way because he grew up in what was then Yugoslavia, where there really wasn’t choice. On the one hand, he had a very strong Serbian Orthodox Christian identity, and his grandfather had him baptized in secret. On the other hand, there was the official state position to de-emphasize religion and to strongly emphasize other group-think things related to the state. I think that all of that added up to a widely held view that to be religious – or to be non-religious and political – meant playing the game and not questioning the tenets that were issued from up-high. You could choose not to participate, but you weren’t able to pick and choose and fill your own spiritual shopping bag. You got what you got and you didn’t get upset, or you could just withdraw from the game. And if you were religious, you didn’t question what you were. Instead of Trader Joe’s, you had your local corner store, and that was that.

Another way to look at it is through the prism of a menu. My husband simply doesn’t order off the menu in restaurants, and he still gets flustered when asked about choices – rare or medium? Regular or decaf? White or wheat? You should just take what the restaurant has and not ask for more. You don’t want to insult the chef, after all, and in Montenegro the waiter might beat you up. My mother, on the other hand, will ask the waiter to create totally new dishes. I report with some chagrin that I clearly take after her. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. So, while my mother goes to Costa Rica and forces my father to order a low cholesterol meal for her in Spanish, I’ve been known to ask a restaurant to change its music if it’s too loud or too sad. And it’s the same for religion/spirituality with me. I like to pick and choose the right mix.

We’ll see what the kids pick up from the influences we’re having on them. I love the eclectic and value-rich form and content of IFFP, and although he doesn’t consider himself religions, Bojan strongly wants the kids to learn about the history, culture, and ritual of the Serbian Orthodox Church. (He will probably argue with me about all of this, but this is how I see it.) I’m sure Sofia will have lots of opportunities to wear her “church dress,” hopefully in many different venues. In addition to IFFP and the DC-area Serbian Church, I would love to take her and the other kids to a synagogue, a mosque, a Day of the Dead celebration, a Diwali party, and who knows what else. We’ll keep our eyes and minds open, within limits.

Things I’m grateful for:
--that I have a seat on this overcrowded Metro train
--that my parents are able to pinch hit when there are problems with the Metro, like today
--my job (getting repetitive, are we?)
--the many interesting people I’ve been exposed to over the years
--that I got to try a new restaurant today

July 28

Today I'm grateful for:

--cooler weather
--that my husband can drive the kids today so I can do my brainstorming
--lunches with my mom (especially sushi at a restaurant that would be too pricey for me)
--that we live in a relatively peaceful place
--our jobs
--our parents
--public libraries (again)
--birds singing in the morning

Not much else to say right now. Must run to work for a busy day.

Crazy storm

I know I missed out on yesterday's posting, but we had a giant storm and lost our electricity. That's my excuse. I was sitting in the living room, playing Monopoly with Philip while Sofia and Angelina ran rings around us. I'm usually unexceptional at Monopoly, but this time I had a green property monopoly, the dark purple ones right after Go, both utilities, and all 4 railroads. I had 1 house on each of the green ones and 4 on the purple Baltics. I kept thinking about how this game was invented in Atlantic City during the Depression, and how I wished I could amass property like this right now. I was also remembering -- amazingly enough, given how long ago it was -- a book I read when I was a kid about how to win at Monopoly. Apparently you could take a prince or a pauper strategy, although I don't remember what they are right now. Also, the book calculated the likelihood of landing on each of the properties, and -- surprisingly -- it's not random.

I was in the midst of cleaning Philip out of house and home, when the wind started to blow wildly. We not-so-intelligently crowded to the window, while we watched trees sway and a giant branch come down in our neighbor's yard. Then the rain came down, literally in sheets. Soon after that, the electricity shut off, and the house began to heat up. Pretty crazy... Bojan ran out to move the Hyundai, because it was situated under the weak tree that we've begged the County to get rid of. We call it the Moon Tree, because Philip used to see the moon behind it when he was younger than Angelina is now. Luckily, the Moon Tree sustained little damage. (Which is less than I can say for my parents, who had one of their trees go crashing through their neighbor's roof, rendering the place uninhabitable.) Once it was clear that the electricity would be out for a while, the kids starting asking for hot chocolate and talking about how they wanted to cuddle up with blankets. I guess they were remembering Snowmageddon, when we last lost electricity and it hit 42 degrees F in our house overnight.

After a couple of hours of sweating in a steamy house, we headed out for dinner in Downtown Silver Spring. It was great to get out, and we managed to snag an outside table at Austin Grill. We ended up sitting between two sets of neighbors -- one of whom we knew, and the other whom we hadn't met before. Service was awful, but luckily the kids were able to run around by the sprayground. By the time we got home, our power had returned, thank God and PEPCO.

Anyway, with all of that, I just didn't have time to post yesterday. And then today, when I went to drop Angelina off at Miss Wiwin's, I noticed that her giant red minivan was no longer there. It turned out that their power had never come back on, so Miss Winwin had taken her family to her sister's place. And Northwood Camp was closed for the same reason, so I designated it a girls' day out. We went to Brookside Gardens, which was also closed due to power outages. Luckily, the gardens themselves were open, so we saw lots of flowers and butterflies (pictures to follow). We're home now, with Sofia playing a computer game (bad mom!) and Angelina blessedly taking a nap. So, now is the time to say what I'm grateful for today:

1. Electricity, and PEPCO's ability to restore it in our neighborhood
2. That I have an understanding workplace that lets me take these unexpected and unavoidable days off
3. Library books, especially the fun one I'm reading now
4. Upgrading to a free Blackberry
5. The beauty of Brookside Gardens -- really nature on a leash!
6. (Should be #1): Spending fun times with Angelina and Sofia (to be extended to include Philip, when we pick him up later today.

Okay, time to try to sneak some work in while the girls are occupied and the electricity is still on. Cheers!

Hot hot hot

It hit 101 or 102 today, breaking all kinds of records. Since I grew up here, I kind of like the heat and humidity. When you first step outside, it's like having a comforting blanket settling around you. It makes me recall walking to the pool when I was a kid and buying chocolate eclair or toasted almond ice cream bars. Still, 102 is a little much, and it made the most sense to stay inside. Nobody accused me of having a lot of sense, however, so while my husband took Philip on an errand to his work, I packed up Angelina and Sofia and we went trawling for yard sales and thrift shop goods. It was a lot of fun, despite the heat. Angelina and Sofia each got a pretty hair band at a yard sale, and Sofia and I are still fighting over who's going to end up with a great Wonder Woman notebook that only cost a dollar. Then we went to Unique Thrift Shop and I watched the girls having fun playing dress-up with fancy hats and yucky wigs. Sofia is a natural at this, and I'm definitely going to encourage her to take up drama someday (and she's always been quite the drama queen). I met a nice older woman who encouraged me to buy a couple of dresses, including one Maggie London dress for only $9.99 http://www.maggylondon.com/#collections/maggy .

I love Unique, because everything is so affordable, and it's like going on a treasure hunt. You may end up with something amazing, like a pair of $200 shoes (score!!!), but then there's a ton of tacky stuff. And of course there are guys hanging around there who could either be the typical undocumented construction worker types or else gang members. The construction workers are the ones looking at cheap jeans and boots, while the gang members have tattooes. Actually, I haven't really seen too many gang member types, but I'm always ready to assume the worst. And the police are there a lot, which makes me think there may be a potential for crime. And then there's a big Korean supermarket nearby, as well as one of those greasy-looking taqueria trucks that I haven't gotten up the courage to try yet. And on federal holidays everything is 50 percent off, which makes the whole place a zoo. It's a lot of fun, and I think Sofia has already absorbed the spirit of thrift store shopping.

Afterwards, we had a cheap-ish lunch at Duncan Donuts, where Sofia and Angelina danced in their chairs to "Isn't She Lovely," the song that Sofia's dance class performed to at their recital. Then Sofia turned up her nose at the bathroom there, so we went on to my favorite Asian Store, Han An Rheum, or H-Mart for short. H-Mart is in the same type of area, where you really see people from all over the world and you read about shootings in the nearby apartment complex. Okay, maybe not that often, but from time to time. Also, my former daycare provider had her groceries stolen there. At the same time, you see wealthy Asian-looking people pulling up in Mercedes and other expensive cars, because the food is so diverse and fresh. Each time I see things that I never knew existed. Last time I saw a Chinese or Korean-looking man putting some bitter melon in a bag. It was on sale, and he had a t-shirt with a slogan that referred to genetics, so I felt comfortable asking him how he cooked the melon. (I suppose I felt comfortable because it meant he spoke English, was educated, and possibly worked in the same field as my father.) He told me that he basically stir fried it, so I bought some and tried it later that week. It was...bitter. I don't think I'd buy it again, but it's always nice to try new things. Today I saw some dragon fruit, which until now I had only heard of as one ingredient in vitamin water. It looked so crazy...I can't really describe it, but here's a link -- http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://img.alibaba.com/photo/104906322/Vietnam_Dragon_Fruit.jpg&imgrefurl=http://makeupgeek.com/forum/viewtopic.php%3Ff%3D6%26t%3D19952%26p%3D174491&h=302&w=350&sz=53&tbnid=Dj6r19r9CFt2TM:&tbnh=104&tbnw=120&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddragon%2Bfruit&usg=__0Ft7WVqbMKF9Zi9oDpOaOZPR1Sc=&sa=X&ei=5q9LTIr0JcKC8gbW3bDyCA&ved=0CDQQ9QEwAw. And each time we pass the sugar cane, Sofia makes a reference to our book about the Day of the Dead. The other good thing about the Asian store -- aside from the fresh, cheap produce, meat and fish, and the 80s music soundtrack -- is the fact that they're always giving away free samples. Today we tried bottled green tea, Japanese bean cakes, and mango aloe drink. The latter was a bit odd, but I was compelled to purchase the delicious bean cakes. I love Japanese food, and I should really make the effort to cook it more.

Later today, I had another cultural experience. Philip has been going to a French language and culture camp for the past week. It's at a place I could never afford, but my parents offered to subsidize him because my mom was excited that he was interested in learning French. It's at Sidwell Friends, so I had visions of running into one of the Obamas there (but alas, they're away in Maine). Anyway, it's been a great experience so far, and it pisses me off a bit because why can't they have such a great experience at public school? He's been eating French cheese, drinking Orangina, and building models of Notre Dame. Also, they've been learning about Senegal and Mali. On Friday, they had a Senagalese drummer come in to teach them how to drum. He brought all sorts of drums for the entire class, and they counted in French. Tonight, Philip gave Sofia and me a drumming lesson. It was so much fun! Angelina really got into it as well. She was drumming away with chopsticks, while Sofia and I drummed on a diaper carton and a baby wipes box, respectively. It's inspired me to plan a trip to the African Art Museum tomorrow, and Philip is excited about it.

So, Mr. Evil Glen Beck, what is my crazy liberal self grateful for today? (See, you evil wingnuts, we left-of-center people can stick to a schedule and keep our commitments about what we say we're going to write.)

1. Girls' days out. So much fun today with Angelina and Sofia.
2. Air conditioned cars.
3. That I live in a multicultural area, and that nonetheless we still have pretty decent public schools. (Okay, shoot me for being politically incorrect, but I know how these things work.)
4. That Philip has the opportunity to go to such a great program, even if it's only for 2 weeks.
5. My kids.
6. That my parents are so involved in my kids' lives.
7. Free museums.
8. Netflix (what I'm thinking about doing after this, even though I shouldn't).
9. Our new-ish dishwasher.
10. My health.
11 Freedom of religion (Take that, Glen Beck!)

Okay, that's all for now. I'll write more tomorrow, but it may not be as long. This is a great exercise.

More pessimism about the economy

Check out this link to a story by Matt Miller at the Center for American Progress. Basically, he says that the bursting of the housing bubble and the near-crash of the economy was like a heart attack, and our responses like TARP and the stimulus were like emergency medicine. The longer-term, more ingrained problem of the U.S.'s decline in terms of innovation and production -- and the resulting hits to the U.S. middle class -- are more like a cancer that demands a radical response. Basically, he calls for "creat(ing) capital-intensive jobs that have labor productivity levels consistent with advanced country incomes," and making sure Americans have the skills to perform these jobs. I'm not quite sure what the first one means, except it sounds like it takes into account the need for jobs to actually pay a living wage. Miller notes that we're doing "dismally" on these important tasks, because political leaders simply won't face up to them. See the article here:


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/21/AR2010072103052.html

Also, on the topic of educating Americans to have the necessary skills, see this article about how the U.S.'s worldwide ranking of the number of 25- to 34-year olds with college degrees has fallen from first to twelfth. The article also says that the problem begins long before college. I'm sure the cost of post-secondary education has something to do with it as well. And our friendly neighbor Canada is number one! Read it here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/23/education/23college.html?hpw

So...we have a lot of work to do, but we seem to lack the political climate for getting much done. I take that back, because Obama has actually gotten an amazing amount done given the political climate. But there's so much animosity and contention. I guess we need to keep on moving forward, regardless.

Long time no see

It's been ages and ages since I've written. I shouldn't even be writing now, because I have SO much work to do. But here I am.

Strangely enough, I've been following the blogs of two women who had difficult pregnancies. One of them (http://cak-micropreemie.blogspot.com), whose daughter was born at 24 weeks gestation back in May, is still waiting to take her daughter home from the NICU. The other one (http://bhcalaway.blogspot.com) gave birth in June at around 26 weeks gestation, I think, but sadly her son died after only an hour. The first woman is in Pennsylvania, and the second is in Idaho. It's amazing how you can be touched by the stories of people you've never met. And I think it's amazing that the second woman is still blogging and sharing her thoughts with interested readers after going through such a terrible tragedy. One interesting thing about her, in my point of view, is that she is a religious Mormon and probably pretty right of center (although I'm not sure what left, right, and center mean anymore). There's a lot on her blog about her faith in God and her religion, and you can see her drawing upon it to help her through this extremely difficult time. So, for someone like me, who was raised by atheists, it's a fascinating look into what almost seems like another culture.

I'm not sure why I've been so drawn to these blogs. Maybe I'm missing the baby days, or maybe something inside me really wants another baby (but that's not going to happen, so don't worry...). But in any case, it has kind of given me a feeling of connection to touch base with these women. Maybe it's a general human connection, maybe it's a mother thing, or maybe it's just that their stories are so compelling. I don't know. But I keep reading.

So, Hilary, the Idaho woman just noted in her blog that she was watching Glen Beck (Argh!!! Make anti-vampire sign!!! Bleah!!!), and he challenged viewers to fill themselves with "faith, hope, and charity" for the next 40 days. Why 40 days? I don't know. Something to do with Noah? (I've always hated that story...such a testament to Old Testament cruelty.) 40 days seem to be significant in many cultures. Maybe he can't count any higher than that? Who knows... In any case, I'm going to take the Evil Mr. Beck up on his challenge and try to do this for the next 40 days. Each day in this blog, I'll write down something I'm grateful for. And I'll try to be a nicer person too, and not jump to negative conclusions about people, including myself. (Sarcastic inner voice: Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts!)

So, for today, here is what I am grateful for:
--My kids
--The trees and nature
--Hilary Clinton (Sorry, Hilary from Idaho, your name got me thinking about how lucky we are to have such a strong, hard working woman as a high-level public servant.)
--Barack Obama (It would have been great to have Hilary as President, but I chose to vote for Obama for many reasons. See earlier postings.)
--The fact that I have a job and can afford (barely) to provide my kids with a good education.

Speaking of jobs, I'd better get back to it. I have to say that my listing of Hilary and Obama feels kind of yucky. I mean, who am I to be listing the top politicians in our country...no politician can really be noble, right? On the other hand, maybe I should be grateful that I still have the naivete and enthusiasm to feel this way about our current leaders (and also grateful for the fact that we don't have to be calling someone Madame Vice President right now, God forbid).

Okay, enough chattering. Time to get back to the grind. I'll do my best to post each day. Hope it won't be too boring!

Eve