Sofia: Mommy, am I Jewish?
Me: You’re Jewish and Christian. I’m Jewish, and Tati is Christian.
Sofia: Do we go to church?
Me: We go to the
Inter-Faith Families Project.
Sofia: Well, I want to go to church sometime, or to some party, so I can wear a fancy dress.
I think this all comes from Miss Odilie, Sofia’s pre-K teacher, who “doesn’t believe in pants” and doesn’t celebrate Halloween because it goes against the teachings of her church. Sofia comes home from Pre-K from time to time saying, “Mommy, tomorrow I need to wear a church dress,” to dress up for picture day or some other event. I don’t mind if she’s exposed to this, as long as it’s not the only way she’s exposed to religion and spirituality. And at her pre-K holiday party, they always have something Jewish and also something Latino, since a plurality of the kids is Latino. At the first holiday concert I went to there, the pre-K sang, “Must Be Santa,” the dreidel song, and some Spanish holiday song. So, I was happy about that.
Overall, I think I like the mix. What does that mean? It means that I feel comfortable being around a mix of cultures and backgrounds, and the area where we live is great for that. My husband has said several times, “It’s not a supermarket,” but I think it can be. For me, the ideal way to expose my kids to religion and culture would be analogous to Trader Joe’s. Lots of different influences, and even the development of some creative new food.
The thing is, though, Trader Joe’s also has its own values system. (Maybe the ultimate value is profit, as discussed in
this article today, but the way they choose to make a profit is to respond to the values of their target market.) For example, they don’t use additives or preservatives, even though that real Inca Kola in Peru or gyoza in China would be chock full of them. Another value is reasonable prices, which attracts a certain demographic. In much the same way, I want my kids to learn about different religions and cultures, but I want it to be within the context of values I’m comfortable with. Thus, they can learn about Noah’s ark, but let’s have it taught to them in such a way that it’s not presented as God punishing the evildoers. Or the idea of gender-neutral language in prayers. I want my kids to learn about Jewish holidays, but I don’t feel strongly about abstaining from pork or about circumcision. Stuff like this is not value-neutral or universal. It’s what I believe is right for my kids to learn, based on my own values and upbringing. It’s my own choice at the supermarket. In that sense, how am I different from Miss Odilie, who doesn’t let her son Marcos dress up like Spiderman on Halloween?
I keep thinking about an acquaintance of mine, who I haven’t seen in a while. She has 2 sons, who are a little older than Philip. She lives in a wildly colorful house, with Mexican murals and multicolored floor tiles. She’s from Texas, and only speaks to her kids in Spanish even though she’s Jewish and Anglo. She sends her kids to Hebrew School, but is married to her college sweetheart (after 20 years and a nebbish first marriage for both), who is a Born Again Christian. Somehow, it all works out. I went to their house for a Rosh Hashanah party last year, and I remember her husband singing “Apples and Honey for Rosh Hashanah” while he played the little piano in their living room. It felt so right to me, and in its melting pot nature I think it’s something uniquely American.
My husband, on the other hand, feels totally uncomfortable with all of this. His view is that you are who you are, and you should know who you are. I think he thinks this way because he grew up in what was then Yugoslavia, where there really wasn’t choice. On the one hand, he had a very strong Serbian Orthodox Christian identity, and his grandfather had him baptized in secret. On the other hand, there was the official state position to de-emphasize religion and to strongly emphasize other group-think things related to the state. I think that all of that added up to a widely held view that to be religious – or to be non-religious and political – meant playing the game and not questioning the tenets that were issued from up-high. You could choose not to participate, but you weren’t able to pick and choose and fill your own spiritual shopping bag. You got what you got and you didn’t get upset, or you could just withdraw from the game. And if you were religious, you didn’t question what you were. Instead of Trader Joe’s, you had your local corner store, and that was that.
Another way to look at it is through the prism of a menu. My husband simply doesn’t order off the menu in restaurants, and he still gets flustered when asked about choices – rare or medium? Regular or decaf? White or wheat? You should just take what the restaurant has and not ask for more. You don’t want to insult the chef, after all, and in Montenegro the waiter might beat you up. My mother, on the other hand, will ask the waiter to create totally new dishes. I report with some chagrin that I clearly take after her. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. So, while my mother goes to Costa Rica and forces my father to order a low cholesterol meal for her in Spanish, I’ve been known to ask a restaurant to change its music if it’s too loud or too sad. And it’s the same for religion/spirituality with me. I like to pick and choose the right mix.
We’ll see what the kids pick up from the influences we’re having on them. I love the eclectic and value-rich form and content of IFFP, and although he doesn’t consider himself religions, Bojan strongly wants the kids to learn about the history, culture, and ritual of the Serbian Orthodox Church. (He will probably argue with me about all of this, but this is how I see it.) I’m sure Sofia will have lots of opportunities to wear her “church dress,” hopefully in many different venues. In addition to IFFP and the DC-area Serbian Church, I would love to take her and the other kids to a synagogue, a mosque, a Day of the Dead celebration, a Diwali party, and who knows what else. We’ll keep our eyes and minds open, within limits.
Things I’m grateful for:
--that I have a seat on this overcrowded Metro train
--that my parents are able to pinch hit when there are problems with the Metro, like today
--my job (getting repetitive, are we?)
--the many interesting people I’ve been exposed to over the years
--that I got to try a new restaurant today
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