So, I’m still stuck with Red Flag Guy, with no one to blame but
myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having an awesome time with him. It’s just that
I want – I need – more from him, or from any “relationship.” I want someone who
will call me his girlfriend. I want someone
whom I can actually question about what he did and who he did it with
without being viewed as his ex-wife checking up on him. I want someone with
whom there’s a little more…there there. On the other hand, we have a great time together. We click, he’s smart and
funny and engaging, the sex is great most of the time, and we have many similar
cultural references (strangely enough, since he’s not from here...who knew they had "Ultraman" in Nicaragua in the 1970s?). But, still….Why isn’t he enough?
Well, maybe because my parents’
awesome-for-them-but-not-necessarily-for-others relationship has been imprinted
on my vulnerable, receptive brain. Could it be that if I can’t somehow
characterize it as “like my parents’ relationship,” then it lacks value? That
could be one reason why I’m finding RFG not to be enough. Or maybe it’s that
he’s by his own admission noncommittal. The center of his life is his party
time with his friends. I asked him recently if he thought I was asking enough
from him. His response was that he thought I was asking too much.
This is all too familiar. I think what I got from my formative years, growing up
with parents who loved me but who were totally wrapped up in each other and
their own storied lore of a relationship, was that I don’t deserve unconditional love. Rather, I have to go out and work for it. I have to chase it,
and if it’s not something difficult, it’s not worth it. In other words, I need
to be the needy one, and then someone makes me whole, as it were, by deigning
to be with me. I’ve grown accustomed to crumbs--in “Baggage Reclaim” Natalie’s
words--and chasing them is my uncomfortable comfort zone.
Or on the other hand….maybe I want someone to give me what
I can only give myself, as the women’s magazines say. Maybe I’m too demanding.
Maybe I should work through things and grow strong on my own, and only then
will I deserve to be loved.
But I can work through logically how this idea is
bullshit, and I’m working on making this understanding a default belief of mine
as well. The vast majority of us need and want someone. Just because you need
doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. Just because you’re strong enough to share your
vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re to be denigrated. Just because my parents
always took the safe choice doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest choice for me, or
even that it would work for me at all.
So, I can pretty much convince myself that it’s okay to
want to be with someone, and that you don’t have to be perfect or “together” to
have the right to have someone love you. Thank God for Facebook and other
social media for helping me to learn this. As I said, it’s an ongoing process,
and I’m working on really internalizing the belief. It’s funny, the contrast
between the deeply held, often unconscious beliefs you learn in childhood and
the ones you gradually and painfully adopt over the course of your life.
I’m trying to get up the courage to say no to
RFG for tomorrow night. It’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I’d really
like to go dancing at The Salsa Room. When I talked to him last night, I was
kind of annoyed. I asked him, “When will we see each other,” and he said,
“Maybe Wednesday.” (You can tell I’m on edge when something like that makes me
annoyed.) I was annoyed because of what I perceived as the noncommittal nature
of his response. Why the “maybe?” He asked why I was annoyed, and I told him
that I wanted more, and that if he didn’t want to be with me to let me know. I
also told him that I’d been feeling lonely and missing him. He raised the issue
of my schedule, which gives me limited availability. He also pointed out that
we had talked two days ago. All of that is true, but I was still glad I was
able to express my feelings. I feel like I need him to be more present, but
he’s not going to change. And the relationship isn’t going anywhere.
So…we agreed on Wednesday, but I’m feeling like I’d rather go
dancing. And he’d be fine with it. But I
have this misplaced belief that if I say no to being with him, he’ll back away,
and it will be my fault. I’ll be all alone, and I’ll be the one to blame for
that. My brain knows this is wrong, but I’m not feeling it. Honestly, if I say
I want to do something else and he interprets it as me no longer wanting to be
with him, or if he uses it as an excuse to blame a breakup on me, well then he
isn’t worth keeping, is he? And I
know the truth, even if he doesn’t. I only have control over my own thoughts
and feelings, not anyone else’s. But, in any case, my decision about Wednesday
has become easier because it’s supposed to snow. I’ll put things off until I
see how snowy it is, because we might not go out anyway.
This is all making me so tired. But, I do believe I’m learning
and growing. I wish I didn’t have to go through this struggle, but it is what
it is. I should be grateful that I can learn, as an adult, and that I see a
path forwards through these dark woods, even if I don’t know where it leads. I’m
going step by step, often blindly, following the instinct that I’m trying to
develop. I’m creating a new reality in my head, and I'm also building that reality by moving forward into it. My internal struggles inform my steps
forward, and vice versa. I just wish the woods weren’t so dark. But perhaps my
eyes are adjusting, slowly. And maybe I’ll learn to no longer follow a trail of
crumbs through the forest.
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