Living my Questions

Around New Year's, a friend posted the following quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

The quote totally resonated with me, as it reflected the process I had to go through to finally decide to end my marriage. Despite the advice I got from numerous friends, relatives, and even strangers, I couldn't act until I had gotten myself to the point that was right for me. It took thinking, but more than that, it took living.

Now I find myself struggling with the same process as I review my relationship with Red Flag Guy, as well as a friendship with one of my Goddess friends. In both cases I feel like I'm not getting enough of what I need, but I'm scared to say anything -- particularly the wrong thing -- lest the friendship/relationship end for the wrong reasons. It ties me up in knots. But this isn't a new pattern, so I also find myself asking what this pattern is and why I'm in it.

Another friend recently posted some links to articles on attachment theory, which posits that our patterns of interactions with our parents at a very young age essentially sets the stage for our relationships later in life. The idea is if our parents don't treat us with consistent caring, we'll end up either having anxiety or avoidance relationship patterns in our adult years. A lot has been written about it, including an analysis of Harry Potter characters. And guess what I've clearly ended up with? Both Ron Weasley and I are apparently anxious attachers. (On the plus side, that's better than Harry, who's clearly an avoider.)  

This comes off to me as yet another pat, unprovable theory that ends up blaming the mother, as always.  But still....some things about it ring true for me empirically. Here's what Psych Central says about "anxious attachment":

"You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner in. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes."

I think that describes me (and, alas, my mother, to some extent). Just reading my past blog entries -- although the thought of doing so makes me cringe -- provides proof. The literature also says that anxious attachers may seek out avoiders because feeling lonely and having to strive for love is a familiar pattern for them. There's more, including some thoughts on how to change your attachment style. All of the writers seem to suggest therapy, but they also say that being in a healthy relationship with a secure person can help. In addition, they say learning to "identify, value, and assertively express your emotional needs" can help, as can self-acceptance and being authentic. Whew!  That's certainly a lot.

So, as I struggle to live my questions and take all of these thoughts into account, I wonder if I should say something to RFG about how I'm not satisfied. I want more intimacy, commitment, and domesticity, although there are certainly limits on how far things can go with him. We're at different points in life, and he's clearly an avoider. I'm just not sure how to say it. I don't want to be confrontational. The important thing is that I should be able to say what I feel, because I'm really in a prison of my own making. I think I should keep these things in mind and let the situation evolve organically. 

I'd like to say something like, "Look, I know you're not looking for a family situation, and you're in a different phase of your life than I am. I'm really enjoying being with you, and I feel like I want more. I feel like de facto I'm your girlfriend, but you tell me I'm your friend or you evade the question...." 

And then it kind of breaks down, and I start to doubt myself. Yes, he's been there for me, he's helped me in many ways, and he's been amazingly consistent. But it feels like each day, each week, I have to wonder if it's continuing or ending. Is that him, or is it me? Or is it a mix of both? Why can't he say straight out that we're exclusive, instead of acting offended or joking around? I just feel like there are some gray areas that make me feel unsettled or even...yes, anxious. And because he holds back, then I hold back. My kids know about him, sure, but I haven't told my mom anything. (That's also because my mom drives me crazy and it's none of her business.) I've told a couple of friends, but not many. Why can't I settle into the relationship? Like I said, part of this is me. There's some fear in there on my part.

So, I don't want to break up with RFG. I care about him and we have a great time together. I just want to be able to express my concerns and my needs.  And that's something I obviously haven't learned to do. (And I do think we can blame my mom for much of this, btw, since she was overwhelmingly concerned with catering to my father and meeting all of his needs, to the detriment of her own needs and those of her children.)  

It's not that I haven't expressed my needs with RFG. Back near the start, I talked to him about how it made me anxious that I cared about him. Also, I've told him how I want more. And he's made clear that he doesn't want much of a commitment, although when he gets all domestic on me it's so damn confusing and falsley tempting. So, maybe there's nothing to talk about. But living my questions requires me to continue to express myself authentically, and to live through it until I'm living the answers.

So....I've squared the circle, as it were, and I'm back at square one. Or am I (deep voice)? As someone once pointed out to me, I may be going in circles, but they're concentric circles and I'm making progress along the way.  So...I just need to keep identifying, valuing, and expressing my needs authentically, and hopefully the answers will come.

As for the Goddess friend I mentioned above...sigh...she's wonderful, but she's been incredibly inconsistent. In fact, she's been the queen of intermittment reinforcement.

 

Do I say something to her? Do I try to change my thinking about her, not so much as a friend I can count on, but as someone I connect with from time to time? It's really hard.  This last go-round, I left her three frickin' phone message, for fuck's sake. I think I will need to communicate with her eventually, if only to express my feelings.  We'll see..

It's all good.  I'm feeling grateful and trying to love, honor, and care for myself, and others, and to live healthily.  Good night!