Half a Loaf?

So, I had one of those "hit me like a ton of bricks" realizations tonight. I didn't expect it. It just came out of nowhere. Well, it actually came out of Facebook (thanks, Mark Zuckerberg). I recently became FB friends with Dancing Guy, someone I had dated (and blogged about) last year. Let's just say we've gotten together a couple of times since then. I didn't plan these get-togethers, but they seemed to balance out Red Flag Guy's undeclared activities. I felt good about Dancing Guy, like he was a friend and appreciated me. And I still do feel that way, but...

You see, I found pictures of him with his current girlfriend on FB. I'm good at that. And I realized -- with the impact of all of those bricks hitting me -- wow, they're, like, together. There are all sorts of photos of them, including in Miami Beach, and she obviously knows his daughters. And she refers to him as her partner. And that's what REALLY hit me. Why aren't I working towards having a partner? Why, all I'm getting is crumbs! Certainly I'm getting crumbs from Dancing Guy. Here I am, feeling like he's played this important role, getting me into dancing, an activity which has been such a blessing for me. And feeling like, wow, he values me because he's attracted to me, which is pretty fucked up (but not too uncommon, I'm sure). While, all along he's been pursuing this relatively committed relationship, something that's a level above what I've been doing. And while I know I shouldn't blame myself, and I am where I am, it's still hitting me like a ton of bricks. 

And, just in case it's not clear, although I've been dating Red Flag Guy for around a year (!), and it's been fun, what he's been giving me is at most half a loaf, if that. Once again, I have the opportunity to kick myself for not seeking more.

This post-divorce single mom dating journey has been a valiant, admirable, courageous struggle. My dating warrior goddess friends -- Suzanne, Charlotte, Dawn, Leah -- and I are pitting ourselves against inner demons, assclowns (to use Natalie Lue's expression) and Smug Marrieds (to borrow from Bridget Jones). But what's SO hard is that it's not a sprint. It's apparently a fucking marathon ("fucking" as an adjective, people), and you're only as far along as you are. It's as if I can see some not too far off glowing shore from here, replete with full loaves, and I want so much in my heart and my soul and even my brain to just reach out and be there. I want to leave the crumbs and half-assed relationships I've had behind me and simply demand -- as simple as a man, a plan, a canal...Panama -- that my next relationship be fully baked and full-blown committed. But it doesn't work that way. I'm beginning to think that the only way I can get there is breath by breath, step by step, living a life of valuing myself. Having the knee-jerk reaction of having my own back. Breathing through and accepting anxiety and fear. Recalibrating and staying focused. Honestly, I think I'm doing this more and more, but I'm not there yet. And, of course, we're all imperfect, and part of the journey is accepting that and even reveling in it.

So, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm learning these lessons and that I can work through them. I'm grateful for my dating warrior goddess friends, among others. I'm grateful that I'm having fun while I'm learning these sometimes painful lessons. I'm grateful that I have faith...still.

Signing off in a better state of mind...tomorrow is another day, and I'm grateful for it.