Finding the Off-Ramp from the Anxiety Superhighway

I was having a crisis today.  Well, actually, I’m still kind of having it.  But, thanks to my Awesome Aunt in Ohio, I’m working through it.  It’s actually a case of my anxiety turbine engine spinning into hyperdrive, so that I get closer and closer to a freak-out meltdown.  And it was really over something so small, but it clearly links to patterns learned and internalized in my childhood (insight thanks to Awesome Aunt).

So, my Takoma Park Goddess friend asked on her single mom listserv how many of us wanted to go salsa dancing tonight.  Since I have the kids, I told her no, but then I decided to go anyway because I feel like I’ve been neglecting my girlfriend building. Later, when I spoke to RFG, I had to tell him that I couldn’t see him – not that we had anything planned -- because I was going dancing with Takoma Park Goddess.  He was okay about it, and immediately started thinking of making other plans. The situation triggered my anxiety, and I began to freak out a little.  I said to him that maybe I should spend time with him anyway, and I asked him if he wanted to come over later.  He said he was already thinking of calling his buddies, and we should touch base later.  As a second step to my freak-out, I began to blame myself.  My thoughts went kind of like this – Oh my God, I’ve rejected him, and he’s going to reject me, and it will be all my fault.  Now I miss him, I miss him so much, and he won’t commit to seeing my today or tomorrow (when he has a date with his golf buddies, which will last well into the evening).  We left it that we would check in with each other later. 

In all honestly, I’m feeling a little nervous about meeting Takoma Park Goddess at a place I’ve never been before, where they’re just starting a salsa evening (tonight is the first night), and I’m not sure what the crowd is like.  I hope my friend arrives before me.  But my main thing is that I have this horrible sinking feeling – one that’s 99.9% not based in reality – that I’ve messed up irreparably, and it’s all my fault.  And I’ll be abandoned, and I’ll deserve it, and I’ll never find anyone, and I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, because it will never work out, and that’s what I deserve.  So – whew! – the anxiety turbines are whirling at top speed, and their high-pitched whine is blotting everything else out. And it really has very little to do with the guy in question.

But, luckily, I was able to reach out to my Awesome Aunt, and – knowing my family history – we talked about how excluded I felt in my family of origin, and how we all walked on eggshells around my dad, how I was subconsciously blamed for others’ feelings, and about how my anxiety was a rational response to protect myself by anticipating how my dad would feel.  It led me to develop beliefs about how I’m supposed to be responsible for others’ feelings and actions, and how having my own wishes and desires is asking for too much and imposing on others, and it will only lead to a downfall that I will deserve.  Pretty intense stuff.  None of this was ever stated, but I certainly felt it and continue to feel it.

But my aunt counseled me that when these anxious thoughts rise up, I can envision an off-ramp from them.  I can envision myself speeding along mindlessly on a well-traveled superhighway, as I’ve done countless, countless times before.  And I can picture myself jerking the car out of the well-worn ruts and selecting an exit.  I can picture a different route, one that offers calming and affirming sights, a route that is somewhat slower and requires more intent on my part.  Thinking about the route can give me a good feeling and empower me, and it can be grounded in thoughts about good things like Fire Island and salsa dancing.

By doing this, I can release patterns that no longer serve me.  And I can realize that, in all truth, what I’m doing tonight is no different from RFG’s numerous golfing evenings. 

And now, post-weekend, I can look back and see that I did have a good time on Friday night (although there really weren’t many people there who actually knew how to salsa dance), and that I ended up seeing RFG on Saturday night after the kids were asleep.  I still have some issues with how things are going between RFG and me, but that’s fodder for another posting. 

The main challenge for me here is to identify and let go of unhealthy childhood patterns. And to wonder how they got entrenched in the first place.  I mean, what the hell?  Thinking about how Awesome Aunt pointed out my strengths and how I’m a catch to many people, I need to ask myself, why on earth do I feel like such crap over how I was treated more than 40 years ago?  Why do I deserve that?  I don’t think that any of my friends would deserve that, and I should view myself in the same way I view my friends, right?  So, I can remove myself from this high-intensity, high-speed, high-pitched spinning.  I can find an off-ramp and move away from the unhealthy spinning with its toxic products (and just slow down…).  I can envision a new healthy place where I can take reality day by day, in a positive empowered way.