Bitch and moan

I'm so so pissed off. I feel guilty even expressing this, because I have a good life, live in a peaceful country, am blessed with my kids and my job, etc. What gives me the right to bitch and moan and complain? But I'm SO pissed off. Part of it is the guys I've been dating, and part of that anger is aimed at myself. I feel like I've been undervaluing myself, and in doing that I've been enabling others to undervalue me as well. I don't know.

My wonderful therapist Kathy says I simply haven't met quality guys (except CG...for some reason she thinks he was a quality guy messed up by a work situation). But here's the thing. I feel totally alone and unsupported by my family. Okay, so my brother and I are no longer not talking, but he's not there for me. (I'm forever grateful for my cousin and his wife, who've stepped in to fill what could have been my brother's role in some legal paperwork, as well as for other things they've done.) And while my mother is there for me in some ways, deep down I sometimes -- often? -- think she's really all about lining things up for herself. To be even less charitable, I would say she's all about manipulating people so they like her and support her. I know we all do that, but I swear to God that I've had a deep feeling since I was small that she wasn't really there for me.

When I was around 7, I had a dream that I can still clearly recall, in which I was being chased through our childhood home by an evil supervillain named Scorpio. I ran through the kitchen, and there was my mother, sitting at our red 1970s-era formica table with a huge pile of shredded cabbage in front of her. Scorpio said to her, "Do what I say and you won't get hurt," so she just sat there, not coming to my aid. And I ran on, into my parents' bedroom with Scorpio chasing and eventually catching me. Childhood can be cruel. (This seems like a jump from the last paragraph, but it's not...at the end of the dream, when Scorpio had caught me, we ended up sitting in my parents' closet with other kids, and it was scary.) I'm trying to protect my kids from it as much as I can. I felt powerless and was victimized by my peers over time.

I have a memory of hanging out with the neighborhood kids in an informal playgroup, and the whole group voting on who liked whom. When it came time to vote for me, barely anyone raised their hands, and someone said to me, "You didn't even vote for yourself. You mean you don't like yourself?" Whatever this was, it started early early in childhood, even before elementary school, I think. I have memories from 3-year old nursery school of feeling out of place and like I didn't belong, because I had a short haircut and people thought I was a boy. I feel like I grew up without appropriate sympathy or support. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish or self-centered...the result is SO clear to me, though, as I've struggled my ENTIRE life with self-esteem issues. If I let myself think too much (which happens a lot), I end up having a knee-jerk reaction of why do I deserve something, who am I to want something, who am I to feel what I'm feeling? It's a default learned reaction, and it helps to have other people to bounce it off to help me feel stronger in terms of what I'm feeling and doing.

Natalie of Baggage Reclaim says, "Stop seeking the Brady Bunch fantasy or expecting parents to step up in adulthood. Many of us are seeking an ideal with our families that just isn’t realistic and we can end up feeling unnecessary shame as if family members being flawed and even inadequately parenting us, is some cross we have to bear for the rest of our days. If 35 has taught me anything, it’s that many of the issues that run in families are bigger than ‘us’ and we only see this when we lose the rose tinted glasses and recognise that ‘younger self’ within us that still wants approval and the fantasy."

So, here I am, with my mother recovering from a spinal fracture, me at home fighting a virus and feeling undervalued over time by various and sundry dates, my Seattle family grieving because my cousins' step-mom just died, and me feeling upset, and then guilty that I'm feeling upset. I want to be able to step up and say, "This isn't right. I need more. It's not enough." And I feel totally guilty saying that, like I'm too needy. The key, I think, is to have your own back and to trust that you have it. Also, it's to live according to your own values. And to keep moving and have faith. I'm not going to come to any epiphany in this posting, at least not tonight. I'm doing okay, I'm doing all the right stuff. I'm a good mom, and I'm enjoying my kids. I'm a good person. But I still feel like I'm not getting enough, and I'm upset about it. I'll sit with that for a while, in a healthy way, and see what develops. Laku noc.