Fuckwit Redux

 
Now, the guy I mentioned in my last posting was not Cuban Guy (CG, aka Disappearing Guy, aka Fuckwit). Pardon me for referring to him that way...I've continued to think of him as the one who got away, as the one quality guy I've met, and as someone I could continue to hold in high esteem.

Well, maybe there's a reason that I don't trust my own judgement.

Here's how it developed:  I wrote earlier about someone I was dating post-CG, who I called Dancing Guy. It was casual with him, and while I wasn't crazy about that, I decided to go along with it and see how I felt. I figured it would be fun, that I needed a palate cleanser -- my friend Charlotte's words, not mine -- and that...well, just what the hell... And it was fun. We went out dancing, the chemistry was there and fun, he was confident and actually smart. The word "actually" may be a wee bit elitist...He didn't come across at first in his writing as someone beyond average, possibly because he was writing in his second language. But he continued to exceed expectations, keep my interest, impress me with his way of thinking about things, etc. And I learned a lot about various things. So, in that sense it was good.

However, the bad part was that I was certainly thinking about him more than he was thinking about me, and I became more and more bothered by the fact that we were barely communicating at all outside of planning the logistics for our weekly get-together. I mentioned this to him, with no reply. But I also said directly that he needed to tell me if I was the other woman. I could make it be okay in my head if he were dating other people (although it wasn't okay, really), but not if he were dating anyone seriously or even regularly. He assured me that he wasn't, and that I should also tell him if that became the case with me. But then the following Tuesday, he e-mailed me and said he felt like he was keeping me from the relationship I deserved. He also said that there was someone he was seeing on a regular basis. He had told me about her before, but I thought it was over except for the occasional booty call. When we got together that night and talked about it, it turned out that they had never really broken up. And I told him that no matter how I twisted it around in my head, I couldn't make it work out with us. I tried to do a Rain Man in my head -- stay with brother in LA and go back to institution in Ohio -- two things that cannot be done simultaneously, no matter how much my brain wanted them to be so. But there was NO way I could make it work for me.

So, that was that. We had smokin' break-up sex and parted. I'm glad I had the strength to speak up and eventually break up with him, and I'm glad he had the strength to be honest with me. My impression of him as a playa was correct, but at least he was an honest one, in the end. I'm thinking about him in my head, but I realize that there's just a wall there. There's NO WAY it could work unless he changes his behavior and current goals, and I put that at about a 1-2% probability, closer to 1%.

So, as usual, the universe blessed me with girlfriends to get through this. My wonderful friend Liz told it like it was. My friend Leah, who introduced me to baggage reclaim, said I should read one of Natalie's books called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I'm in the midst of doing so, and I found gems such as this:

"Are you only in contact around the times you're getting together?" and "He may be putting in about as much effort as it would take to order a takeaway a few times a week or however often he keeps in touch." My mind went, DING DING DING...clearly that's how it was with Dancing Guy.

And here's the ultimate gem, with regard to CG/Disappearing Guy/Fuckwit: "Disappearing is hugely disrespectful and a rejection of the relationship. If he disappears, don't let him back into your life."

So I began thinking, my God, Fuckwit (who I actually felt bad about calling that name) really was a fuckwit. What the hell...he disrespected both me and the relationship. Which only confirmed once again that I can be like a kicked dog in some ways, and it's a good thing Dancing Guy laid things out for me the way he did or I might still be begging for his crumbs. But I started thinking more about CG/Fuckwit, and about how it really was inexcusable, what he did to me. When I texted him that the ring I left in his apartment -- on the fucking credenza, for Christ's sake, and I never even knew what a fucking credenza was -- had sentimental value, he still didn't return it to me. (Granted, it didn't really have sentimental value, except maybe as a symbol that I can buy myself jewelry and don't need some guy to do it for me.) But I started feeling like he may indeed have been a bit of a shit. And I continued to be haunted by the ghost of his shiny black Volvo SUV, only less so. Just last weekend, I saw the right kind of Volvo parked illegally outside of Whole Foods in his old neighborhood, and I had to wait there, while my frozen WF brand taquitos got soft, until I saw an Asian woman carrying fresh flowers get into the SUV and drive away. I mean, fuck... (Pardon my French...I'm really on a roll tonight.)

But tonight, after responding to a potential date on OKC, I decided to page down down down on my messages page to see something about Fuckwit. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but what I found was a new photo and a new location -- Sunnyvale, CA. Heart pounding, I attempted to google him there with no luck. So I created a new profile located in Stanford -- username Hellacat -- and found that he basically had the same profile as before. I did more googling with no luck, except to learn that Sunnyvale is home to Yahoo and not far from google's Mountainview either. So, I stealthily visited CG/Fuckwit's profile, and with some selective question answering found out that he's looking to be married in the next 3 years and he's looking for someone to have kids with. (I'm tres tres resourceful, n'est-ce pas?)

This led me to conclude that CG and I really were on different pages when we met. I was barreling full-speed ahead into painful recent-divorce learning, and he was trying to settle down, albeit being sidelined by his shit at work. And he really had an asshole side to him, as evidenced by his treatment of his ex and his bragging about himself as a jerk in business. So... All I can say is that there was no way that we as a couple could fit into the space that the universe had for us at the time. (Italicized because, wow, this is indeed an awesome revelation!)

I've already listed here what I got out of my relationship with CG, including Pitbull, dressing and looking hotter (IMHO), Dalmatian fig spread from Whole Foods, and....well, I'm running out items, which makes me realize it was thankfully a while ago. And just today I went to Whole Foods today and asked about the Dalmatian fig spread. They didn't have any, but I saw that they did have some from Provence. So, perhaps this is a "If you try sometimes, you get what you need" kind of symbolism. Not that I bought it (too dear, my dear), but either spread would have met my needs. This particular Whole Foods simply doesn't carry that kind of fig spread anymore, so it's just not available there, or perhaps anywhere. But the spread from Provence might just be promising...

So where am I now? I'm feeling a bit discombobulated at times, but it's more because of the ghosts in my head than the presence of any corporeal guy, either in my life or virtually. I'm enjoying dancing and taking the courageous step of taking myself out and having fun at salsa and swing places. I'm doggedly responding to appropriate people on OKC who contact me, and have even contacted a couple myself.

It's fine...I feel like I'm in a better place. If the ghosts flit through my head too much, if my imagination remembers these two guys more than it should...well, I know that it will fade. Seeing that Sunnyvale thing will certainly help with that. It was what it was, we learned, and all that. CG did say to me at one point that at some point we would both come to understand the reasons for what happened between us, even though it didn't work out. All I can come up with so far are the painful lessons I learned, along with my list of items above. I'm feeling kind of sad, and kind of hurt and foolish that I would keep him in my mind for so long. But I was very vulnerable at the time, and he made an impression. I will move on, and other guys will get through again. That's how it works, with the help of time and processing. In that light, my time with Dancing Guy was a good thing, because he did get through and the ending with him was so clear. You see, the universe does have its plans and its reasons.

And I'm feeling a bit like Tina Turner, in that I've been feeling protective of myself, perhaps for the first time. Honestly, what's love got to do with it? My wonderful friend Suzanne says that when she has memories of being together with the guy she just broke up with, she doesn't try to block them, but instead imagines what it would be like with someone who is healthy and wants a committed relationship. So, as I make my way along this rocky path, I do feel like I'm making some progress. I'm seeing more bullshit for what it is and I'm following my joy. I'm trying to remain open, but I realize I need to be patient with myself and treat myself with attention, respect, and care (as Dancing Guy promised to do on our dates, but it just wasn't enough for me). I feel blessed that I can write about this and move forward. High tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris!