In Which I Chastise Myself for Living in a Glass House

Honestly, I can't believe I'm not kicking Red Flag Guy to the curb for this. What, you thought we had broken up?  Well, no, he missed me and called me, and I stupidly let him take me out again. I missed him too...there's something to be said for caring, compatibility, and chemistry. However, according to Baggage Reclaim, that and a dime will get you a ride on the IRT when it comes to developing a healthy relationship. Apparently, what's really bottom line important are intimacy, commitment, consistency, consistency, balance, progression, and shared values, plus love, care, trust, and respect. Natalie Lue, the blog's awesome author, says that without these things, a relationship doesn't have the legs to carry it.

So, case in point. I asked RFG on Saturday night to clarify if we were still exclusive, since I was concerned about unprotected sex. We'd done that from early on, since he had asked about it and proposed that we be exclusive. And on Saturday he didn't give me a straight answer and got upset with me, like it was my fault because I was asking. He actually said something like, "Way to kill the moment." Which made me feel like crap, of course.

But I feel like I need to ask, since I'm the one who would be at risk and I'm responsible for other people besides just myself. Also, I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing him if he's seeing anyone else.

Why am I such an idiot about this?  It’s not like I’m some young African motherwhose husband gets HIV/AIDS while working in the mines, and then catches itherself because she can’t refuse him.

If a friend were in this situation, I would say protect yourself. I would he's not worth being with. God forbid, if one of my daughters were in this situation, I would hate the guy. I would say, use a condom. I would think that by not giving her a straight answer, he's simply not being respectful. Even if it is one of his "issues," it's clear he doesn't respect her enough to get past those issues and give her a straight answer.

The flip side is, we're all lonely and we need sex.  So, maybe I could make him wear a condom and see him from time to time. But that’s not really what I want either. Well, I want to see him, but not as a second class citizen.

So, here are my two options:

1) Make him wear a condom, and feel bad because he might be seeing other people.

2) Tell him that I felt like he didn't give me a direct answer, and then ask for a direct answer. Then figure out what I'll do when he doesn't give me one.

It’s like it insults him when I ask him these things. He was upset when we first started dating and I asked him if he was going to see anyone when he went down to Florida for work. (I asked it because he told me there was someone he had dated in Fort Lauderdale.) He raised it with me, saying it had bothered him when I asked him that. So, why can’t I do the same sort of thing when something he does bothers me?

Honestly, WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE AM I SETTING FOR MY DAUGHTERS???  It’s a bad example in so many ways, but of course the unprotected sex in the ambiguous situation is the worst part of it.

I’ve got to GET IT IN GEAR, girlfriend. I’ve got to PUT ON MY BIG GIRL PANTIES.  Yes, I’m upset with myself about this. To give me credit, I tried. I tried, he acted like an ass, and I cried. Then he apologized, but he still didn’t give me a straight answer. Ma jebi ga.

It’s not rocket science. But maybe it is.  Maybe I have one less problem without him.

Oh, stuff like this is always messy, isn’t it?  But it's oh so clear, really.  Why can't I accept reality?  Once again, I've got a Rain Man thing going on. 

While I obviously feel stuck, I also feel hopeful about Mark and Angel Hack's advice about getting out of stuck:

"You’re way stronger and a lot less stuck than you think. – Take heart, and remember that the biggest breakthroughs often come after a long period of being stuck.  Which is why feeling stuck for a while is necessary.  Embrace this.  When things seem to be at their worst is the ideal time for you to be at your best.  If you can’t take a big step forward, take a little one.  Tip-toe if you must.  Just keep reminding yourself that you are strong enough to take the next tiniest step, and that this step is the only step that matters right now."

So, that's what I'm trying to do. Trying to take baby steps, honestly trying to pray about being able to make healthy decisions for myself and my children. My goddess friend Suzanne says praying is all about intention, so I set my intention now, through prayer and writing. I'll take things day by day, and make the healthiest decisions I can. Inshallah, as they say in Morocco. I want to live healthily with my kids. More to follow.