The In Between Place

Okay, I'm out of order here. This posting was written a few weeks ago, on September 11. It just shows that things have been messed up for a while.

So, I'm kind of in a weird place.

I'm kind of broken up with Red Flag Guy.

I'm kind of wanting to date again and find someone to...what?  I need to articulate that better. I'm also not wanting to go through the discomfort of dating...but that's just how it is.

I'm kind of lonely...kind of busy...kind of feeling like I want to organize my life, but at the same time wanting to take up every possible social opportunity.

I'm kind of sad...kind of focused...kind of exhausted...kind of hopeful.

Maybe this is the break-up zone. Full disclosure -- I went out with RFG last night.  It seemed like the wrong thing to do at first, then after he called me I decided, what the hell? It was fine, but it was the same.  We went out for dinner (mediocre restaurant...boo to Bonefish), had fun chatting, came back to my house, he stayed until 3 am. We talked about bit about our situation -- he said he couldn't give me what I wanted and that he felt like I had put him "under the lights" with my questions. The sex was...fine.  I mean, it's been a while.  I don't know if I believe him that it's been a while for him.  All in all, I feel kind of ambivalent about it.

I think the thing is, damn it, that I want to be domestic, and there is that part of him that wants that too.  Honestly, we were driving through Kentlands, and he showed me a house he had bid on but lost. He was going on and on about what a great neighorhood it was, with great schools, and how the house had 5 bedrooms.  I said to him, "You know, you really want to start another family. That's what going to happen to you. You're going to buy a house, meet a young woman, have more kids, and start over. Why else would you want a house with 5 bedrooms?"  His answer was to a) say that he wanted the house because its garage would enable him to buy a Porsche 911, and b) turn up the music louder.

I didn't press any further, but what I take from that is a) the domestic vibe I've been getting from him is not in my imagination, and b) it's not working between him and me.  Because if it was, that vibe would go somewhere, right?  It doesn't matter if it's not working because of him, me, the timing, or a combination of those things.  The bottom line is that it's in a not-working place.

The scene from a movie that represents the ultimate not-working state for me is when Hugh Grant sees his longtime girlfriend Henrietta (aka Duckface) at a wedding, and they speak volumes just through looks and a single word. You can tell that they've gone through the same encounter time after time, and that the heightened emotions are part of the pattern. I think the one-word scene ends with the girlfriend crying and running off with her friends, who glare at Hugh Grant. The point is that some things just don't work, and over time they become even more unhealthy.

I don't want that to happen with RFG and me. So far our pattern is:

Him -- You want more than I do.  I can't give you what you want.
Me -- You're right, I want more of a partner.

And that's it.  What else can you say to that?  It is what it is.  It's just this damn processing that we all have to do to get through it.  My heart is still living in the past, but my brain is pretty damn clear when I let it be.

And then there's the known unknowns thing that I mentioned in my last posting.  Yes, I've been corresponding with people (guys) on OK Cupid, and I may meet one or two, but I'm simply not excited about it.  At the same time, I feel like I need to be "out there," and if I'm not I'll fall into menopause, cats, gray hair, and old lady clothes.

See what my brain does to me?  It's the late 40s version of "what if I never meet someone and have kids?"

The way forward is obvious:  Do what I enjoy.  What do I enjoy?  Salsa dancing, baby.  If only I could hook up with someone at one of these dance places, but I'm just too reserved. Also, I would get attached emotionally.  Where is Erica Jong's zipless fuck when you need it?

[Aside: My zipless fuck fantasy would involve a former grad school classmate who works as a banker in the Middle East and could fly to the US a few times a year.  The only thing is, I'm not attracted to him in real life. He does run marathons, though, so he must be in pretty good shape.]

So, here is the ambiguity in my life:

1) I know it's not working with RFG, but I'm still (somewhat) attached to him.
2) I want to find "a partner," but -- as mentioned last time -- I'm having trouble articulating more than that.
3) I'm lonely, but I'm so not into dating right now.

Strangely enough, an ex-boyfriend from a zillion years ago sent me a mindfulness link on FB. He said I seemed ":stressed," and that this thing had helped him in the past.  Even though I don't have patience with that stuff, I may give it a try.  Anything to enable me to just settle down and enjoy.

Because, after all, we're all so effing lucky.  I was reminded of that as I turned on the radio and happened to hear someone talking about 9/11.  And I realized, oh wow, it's today.  And I thought, oops, my God, there's much more in the world than my personal issues. While I'm in this in-between place, it's important to keep that in mind -- both the luckiness and the need to broaden my focus.  

So, there's no resolution in this posting.  Just a recognition of where I am, that it's okay to be there, and that there's more out there than I know.  And more thoughts about today, and its broader implications.


And when I think about moving forward, I picture myself moving through darkness with a strong flashlight.  I can't see everything that's around me, and I can't know what's coming up.  But, I'm not scared.  I'm a bit anxious, a bit nervous, but also curious.  What's out there?  How will it be different (and better) than what I've encountered before?  What will it teach me, and what will I gain from it?  It's kind of cool, actually.

(Yes, I know that's Kyra Sedgewick, and -- no pun intended -- I have a 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon connection with her.)