GirlCrush-o-Rama

When I think about it, I realize that I have a lot of girl crushes. I never thought I was the girl crush type. I've always been blessed with a lot of friends, and I've even had a best friend now and then. But the idea of a girl crush...it was a little too hero worshipy and boarding schoolish, in my view.

Still, I remember my first girl crush. When I was 8 or 9,I was friends with the O'Malleys down the street (not their real name). It's amazing now that I think back on it, but their mother, Carol, was a single mom of 4 kids of various ages. She had moved down from Boston to go to law school. I remember that my dad used to help start her car on snowy mornings. I would run around the neighborhood with her younger daughter, while Carol worked and studied. I don't remember much about the father, except that he had an angry voice and an assumption that all of his kids should accompany him to mass when he came down from Boston.

The one who I had a crush on (on whom I had a crush?) was the older daughter, Ginny. As a teenager, she had her own room in the semi-finished basement. She had long silky brown hair, a variety of hippy embroidered cotton shirts, and a water bed. This was the 70s, after all. She probably wore toe rings too. I was so shy that I could barely speak to her. And of course she barely spoke to me, because I wasn't even on her radar. Once her mom asked me to wake Ginny up, but it was all I could do to call out to her from the doorway then scurry away.

So, my first girl crush was unrequited. But maybe it served the purpose that girl crushes are supposed to serve, which is -- I think -- to provide you with a potential template for living your life. I never had a sister, but I think there's some kind of sisterly thing going on with girl crushes as well. It's someone you feel connected to, someone you could be, someone who paves the way for you and establishes parameters and possibilities. You may never achieve these possibilities, but it's nice to be able to think about them.

When I was a teenager, those possibilities were all about boyfriends. And things didn't change that much over the years either. In junior high, if someone had a boyfriend, you admired her. It gave her status. And you tried to be like her because if you did maybe you could attract boys and gain status too. Yuck, it sounds so insectoid, like queen bees and ant colonies, things like that. But that's clearly how it was, and the most admired girls were the ones who could display themselves like so many showy male birds.

I remember one horrible girl in my junior high whose name was Tracy McDaniel (Yes, that was her real name, but who cares?). She certainly wasn't my girl crush, but she had status because she flirted with all of the right guys. I remember how she told the girls in my far less adventurous group of friends that she was planning on wearing green to the teen club dance because "green makes you horny" (as if she were an M&M). Not only that, she was planning to wear little braids coming out of her head, like horns. Can you believe that? (The last sentence should be read incredulously, with an African American or southern accent for emphasis.) Anyway, that was the sort of vapid thing that was admired when I was a teenager, and I think it affected who I ended up admiring.

The one girl crush I recall in junior high was a small blond girl named Carrie. I think I had a crush on her because 1)she was short, and I felt too tall, 2) she dressed sort of toughly, and I thought that was exciting, and 3) she had the same first name as Carrie Fisher, who played Princess Leia in Star Wars (yes, I was kind of a geek). As with Ginny, I only admired Carrie from afar. She represented something I wasn't -- being tough, hanging out with boys who smoked. It seemed kind of romantic to me. We really only crossed paths in home ec, where my piece de resistance was burning the cheese because I thought it was butter. Aside from that, I probably didn't make much of an impression on her.

In contrast, when I think of my current girl crushes, what stands out is power and achievement, regardless of their connections with men. The other thing that stands out is style. It's as if I've moved on from bodice buster novels, where the romance is the thing (okay, sex, romance, whatever) to women's books that feature some kind of rags to riches story. I'm thinking Judith Michael books or Judith Krantz. There's always romance, but it's not necessarily the point. It's mainly about power and money. For example, there's one book by Judith Michael (who is actually two people -- a husband and wife team) about a poor young woman who ends up owning a pricey hotel chain. And then there's Scruples, where a young, formerly unattractive woman creates a high-end department store. And I cringe to admit it, but I'm also a fan of Jackie Collins' Lucky Santangelo, who becomes a tough lady mobster. You go, girl! It's stuff like that. They all wear great clothes and end up with supportive men, but the main story is their achievements and business acumen.

So...with that context in mind...here are my girl crushes:

1) My number one girl crush is...Katharine Weymouth, the publisher of the Washington Post. I'm sure Katharine doesn't remember this, but I lived downstairs from her in the Wigglesworth dorm during our freshman year at Harvard. Symbolically, she lived high up on the fourth floor attic, while I lived below her, unnoticed, on the second floor. Katharine looks great, has 3 kids, and is the granddaughter of Katharine Graham. She's also a lawyer, which is something I should have become but didn't. She represents this whole other world -- elite private school, connections with world leaders, high priced law firms. Another great thing about Katharine is that because of her, I'm less than 6 degrees of separation away from the Talking Heads. (Tina Weymouth of the Talking Heads is her aunt.)

So...Wow, here's someone my age who seems so poised and so comfortable with power. Maybe in front of her close friends she's a mess, but to me she seems like the embodiment of cool. I've considered contacting her via Facebook, but once again I'm just too shy. So...she'll just continue to represent the promised land to me, the sort of life that I can dream of but not aspire to. But at least I can learn from her example that it's possible to achieve more than I've done so far.

2) Michelle Rhee, Chancellor of the DC Public Schools. Michelle recently came to speak at the government agency where I work. My first impression of her was...wow. Although it was November, she wore a short skirt and high heels without stockings. She looked great. She seemed so comfortable up on the podium, and also kind of scary. I didn't really agree with her views about firing teachers, but I liked her passion for helping the kids in the DC Public Schools. And I like the fact that she sends her kids to DC Public Schools (although I just googled it and learned that she placed her kids in the best of the best among these schools...oh well.). Like Katharine Weymouth, she demonstrates for me that you don't have to shoot yourself in the foot career-wise just because you're a mother. I'm not sure to what extent she's going to meet her goals, but she's certainly going to give it her all. I like that.

3) Michelle Obama. I love her dresses. And I'm such an imbiber of the Obama kool-aid that I had to put her on this list. She projects this clean-cut but sharp image. She totally rounds out the image of the Obamas as the black Kennedys. And she's so poised. I'm so excited that she and her family are coming to the White House. I'm not that interested in what she'll be doing, because I assume she'll focus on her kids first and foremost (totally understandable). But I am interested in how she'll present herself and what she'll wear. I've never really been into the First Lady, since none of the first ladies during my lifetime have been very appealing to me. So, this will be a first...yay!

4) Samantha from Sex and the City I've always considered myself more of a Carrie (I'm angst-ridden) or a Miranda (I've got a kid...in fact, I've got three of them). But Samantha is so honest and out there being herself. I definitely admire that. She doesn't apologize to anyone, and she's not self-conscious. And like all of the women on the show, she dresses with style. But for me, the most admirable thing about Samantha is a single line she says in the Sex and the City movie. She says it to her gorgeous, much-younger beau Smith, whom she followed to LA and lived with for over 5 years: "I love you, but I love me more."

God, what I would give to be able to say that in my life! It's not something I would ever say to my kids, of course, because (see earlier blog), they're the center of my life and my being. But to be able to have that attitude about other aspects of my life...to be able to love myself and take care of myself without getting entangled in all of that Prince Charming bs....hopefully I can move that direction in my future. And I'm saying this independent of my marriage or anything else. I don't want to have to be mad because nobody is taking care of me in that fadeout, happily ever after kind of way. To do that, I need to be able to reflexively take care of myself, and that's hard for a girl who's been raised to please men and all other people. If I could move from Sally Field ("You like me, you really like me!") to Samantha ("I love you but I love me more"), that would really be something.

5) My beautiful diva-ish daughter Sofia. Sofia is just amazing. Even before she was a year old, she knew what she wanted and what she didn't want. And she doesn't have any trouble expressing herself. Of course she's 3-1/2, so she may become more inhibited in the future. But her self-esteem is great. And she's so stylish. She could wear a pull-up on her head (and she does, sometimes) and still look like she should be walking down a runway. She's the girl who, when she was feeling sick to her stomach, rejected the bowl I gave her to throw up in because "Blue isn't my color, Mommy". Anyway, I love her and I think she's great. I learn things from her every day.

So...those are my girl crushes of the day. There are plenty of other Women I Admire,whom I would be happy to list:

My former boss Jacquie (high-achieving, great shoes, warm but poised);

My former boss Barbara (supportive friend, knows who she is and what she wants, left an unhappy marriage and found a happy one, adopted 2 kids at age 50 and above, and lives in a world of wealth that I can't even aspire to);

Hillary Clinton (maintained her dignity when her man did her wrong, brilliant mind even if she did disappoint me on Iraq, a committed and hard worker);

My Aunt Beth (Got her Ph.D. in her 60s, survived various significant health problems with dignity, loves exciting travel).

And there are two more points I want to make.

First, I believe that my daughters, at ages 3-1/2 and 6 months, already have girl crushes. Sofia seems to be obsessed with Disney princesses, while Angelina has her own girl crush...on Sofia. We'll see how that turns out.

Second, when I look back at my first girl crush, I think I was idolizing the wrong O'Mally. Thinking of the mother, Carol, going to law school and raising 4 kids alone...that certainly trumps a hippie teenager with a water bed. But our girl crushes are appropriate for the specific times of our lives, so I shouldn't reject my past crush on Ginny. Carol is now happily remarried and a lawyer, and she still lives in the same town as my parents. I have no idea where Ginny is. I could google her, but that would destroy the romance.