Poopy evening...aka In which I wish I could love people for who they are and not based on my raw needs

Oy, what a disastrous evening. I arranged for a babysitter so I could go out with Red Flag Guy after a busy weekend with the kids. I was kind of in a yucky mood.  We hadn't seen each other over the weekend because RFG went out and partied with friends on Friday (cigars, whiskey, steak), and then did a golf thing all day on Saturday. Also, we spoke late Saturday night, but then I had to call him to confirm the time half an hour before we were supposed to meet. So...I had a little too much wine at dinner, and I ended up expressing myself a lot. The bad part was when I admitted I had googled his ex- girlfriend. Why did I google her?  To learn more about RFG.  I told him that all women do that, and my Goddess friend Suzanne confirmed it. But he was really bothered by it.  So, I started feeling really, really bad. And then, in Safeway, I saw him joking around with some woman, and that upset me. He saw it and called me on it. And then when I asked if he wanted to come in, he said no.

So...I feel like SUCH crap. I can't sleep.  This is about me, obviously. I wish I could be an adult, rather than trying to use people to fill the emptiness that I think is inside me. I mean I like RFG, independent of all that. I enjoy spending time with him. I don't like that he "turns on a dime," as he says. I'm scared of that. You're always vulnerable, though, in any relationship. How do you live with that?  

My friend Kathi says that RFG's behavior evokes responses like mine. She says that he doesn't provide what I need, and I shouldn't blame myself for that. And, WTH, he called me on noticing his flirting?

But, I want, I need to be with someone. I'm so so so tired.  I'm so so exhausted of juggling it all. I'm so so tired of being alone. I want some comfort, I want someone to be there for me. I'm tired of searching, of trying to piece something together, of trying to do it all. It's so damn scary, when you have a glimpse of life as it I'd.  How am I ever going to retire?  How am I going to pay for my kids' college?  How could I have made the mistake of marrying such a deadbeat, messed up guy?  Can I ever trust myself again?  Could I ever trust myself in the past?  When will I EVER be able to do that handstand?

I don't think googling an ex-girlfriend is that bad, although I know it resonates with RFG's issues. As for the flirting thing, it bothers me...at this point, that's how it is.  I don't know what else to say.  I've been pretty open about my "issues," except for the "filling the emptiness" thing and the "oh so tired" riff above.  Those things are heavy.  It's best not to put them on anyone, although I shared a bit of my financial concerns with RFG tonight.  

I don't know...I like him and would like to continue to see him.  But maybe I've crossed some kind of line.  I wish I were tanned, rested, and ready, as it were.  I wish I were smooth and articulate and able to know and clearly state my boundaries. I wish I could do that handstand, or at least a shoulder stand.  I wish RFG would call or text, and I know, I know, with every fiber of my now-slightly-more-educated womanly being that I should under no circumstances reach out to him. I wish I could be chill about it, but -- hey -- I'm a drama chick.

It was just a messed up evening. It will pass, inshallah.  I need to learn how to articulate what's bothering me, both to myself and others.

Argh..I'm going to pay some bills.

More soon...