Processing....

Okay, so my last post was pretty frantic.  And I'm still feeling pretty crappy.  But I'm not as feeling as bad as I was, so that's good.

Lots of lessons learned in the last few days, and lots more to learn. Why is my happiness and well-being SO tied up in who I date? (Or who I don't date, as it may be...it's not clear at this point).  I always come to the conclusion that it's how I was raised. It's the fault of my parents, who presented themselves and their narcissistic little coupledom world as the be all and end all at the end of the rainbow.  Why did I absorb it so much, while at the same time I felt disgusted by it?  It's just how your family situation messes you up. 

According to Natalie Lue and others, I apparently try to recreate that situation in my relationships, because a) it's comfortable to me, and b) I want to win over the people who rejected me.  I don't know how Red Flag Guy fills that slot, but I've certainly felt like I need to win him over.  How do I move away from that to a healthier place?  I've subscribed to Natalie Lue's "Get Out of Stuck," so perhaps tomorrow's e-mail will enlighten me.

When things were falling apart with RFG on Sunday night, I had the sense that it was like the appointment in Samarra. Even though I hadn't owned my story and told him what bothered me about his behavior, somehow it came out anyway.  Somehow it was fated to come out, I was fated to speak my piece and share my fears, even if I didn't want to.  What a mess.  But at least now my mess is out in the light, right?  Hopefully the sun will beat down and dry it to the consistency of crackling leaves, so I'll be able to sweep it up and dispose of it. 

But, in the meantime, I'm feeling the pain of it all. 
 
I'm scared. There's something inside me that feels so sad.  I'm mourning my long-time sadness and my hurt, if that makes sense at all.  I'm sad for the little girl inside me.  It's been a long time coming.  When I was a teenager, I compulsively overate to dull this pain.  My busy-ness with guys, with the kids, with activities, with work -- it all covers up my fear and my pain.  It's okay.  I need to do this.  I need space on my own to process and work through things.  I still can't do the handstand, but I'm getting stronger. 

And I'm recognizing patterns.  How many times I've put myself in new situations, where I feel like I don't belong, and it feels like home because that's how home was in some important ways. At IFFP, it's all couples and me.  I mean, what the hell...I get a lot out of it, but I use my feelings of non-belonging as an excuse to remain on the outside, uncommitted.  And it feels familiar.

And I've also managed to articulate some characteristics I want to see in the men I date:  Respect, integrity, attention, care, courtesy, and compassion.  So, that's something, at least.  And I've realized how grateful I am for certain nonjudgmental friends.

So, things will either continue with RFG or they won't.  He needs some space.  I do too, actually.  I was getting unhealthily dependent on him.  One lesson I learned around a year ago is that you are where you are, and no matter how wonderful any guy is, your emotional availability dictates how you can connect with him.  I need this space so I can work on myself and get healthier.  There's so much I can do--salsa, friends, camping with my son, house stuff.  But RFG's behavior and his decision are beyond my control.  And that's okay, as long as I feel like I've owned my story.  In any case, I feel better now that I've talked to him.  I thought he was dissing me by disappearing on me. 

The most important work I need to do, obviously, is on myself.  I need to take care of the little girl inside me.  I don't have a good sense of everything it entails, but I know the last few days have been instructional.  I'm feeling sad, but better than I was. Getting closer to that handstand.