Ten minutes to Wapner

It's a rainy day, and I'm thinking about Rain Man.  You know, that movie from the 1980s starring Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman.  One of the things Dustin Hoffman's character Raymond said near the end of the movie has stuck with me over all of this time.  Here's how it goes:

Doctor: Ray, do you want to stay and live with Charlie?
Raymond: Yeah.
Doctor: Or do you want to go back to Walbrook?
Raymond: Yeah.
Doctor: Which is it? Go back to Walbrook or stay with Charlie Babbitt?
Raymond: Go back to Walbrook, stay with Charlie Babbitt. 

That's how I feel sometimes, like I want two things that aren't mutually possible.  Raymond can't go back to Walbrook and stay with his brother Charlie.  I can't keep seeing Red Flag Guy and have the kind of relationship I want or need.  That's simply how it is.  I mean, maybe I can try for a bit.  He needs a little space, and he'll probably call me for the weekend.  But how long could I enjoy or feel healthy in a relationship that's not really a relationship, where maybe we see each other once or twice a week, but maybe we don't?  That's what RFG said he might want right now, and I know that wouldn't work for me.

But I'm doing the Rain Man thing and telling myself that maybe it will work out, that this space thing will only last for a short time, that it will get back to normal soon, after RFG sees that I'm not acting jealous (which is another whole topic for a posting, believe me).

But even "normal" wasn't good enough for me.  Why am I even continuing with things?  Well, a) I'm a wimp and can't break it off, b) I care about him and miss him, and c) there's that poem I saw in a bus in Berkeley, CA, in the summer of 1988 about how soft ties are the hardest to break, which I've looked all over for but can't seem to find on google. 

And then there are arguments about how I'm not ready to do that handstand, so perhaps I should be with (settle for?) someone who's not totally what I want or need.  Or about how we're all works in progress, so why not see him while I'm building myself up?  That last argument seems to hold the most water.  But, it's probably riddled with holes, so who knows...  

And then there's the Rambo (and, I suppose, Buddhist) argument--living day to day.

And then there's the fate/appointment at Samarra/universe takes care of you/que sera sera argument.  But the trouble with the fate line of thinking is that we all have free will, and didn't God (or whoever) give us free will to do what's right (such as ending it with someone who's not right for us)?  Argh...As Sarah Connor would say, you could go crazy thinking about all of this.

So....I'm feeling those waves of sadness.  In The Red Book, Deborah Kopaken Cogan talks about "the dense cream of sadness, aerated with time's whisk, mulled with memory's sugar."  Okay, I'm sure eventually it will be like that.  And this isn't anything major anyway, just someone I've gone out with for 5 months. But this sadness blends with past sadnesses, and like I said in the last posting, I end up mourning other things from earlier in my life. I wish I could stop being so hard on myself.  So, I'm clinging to the end, not that I want to. And I know I need to avoid certain judgmental friends who will make me feel bad about feeling bad. 

So, okay, it's just like birthing pains, right?  Look at the waves of pain like contractions, which aren't constant. And you eventually forget the pain of them. In the end, it takes effort and pushing yourself, but you figuratively give birth to new strengths and attitudes. 

I mean, there are a lot great things in my life, including my kids.  I'll get through this, and -- to paraphrase what CG said during that breakup -- be better off because of it. I just need to take that step.

And here's the other thing I'm trying to make true for myself. Until I take that step, I'm okay too. I'm judging myself and letting myself be judged, and I don't like that. What I'd like to do is to feel comfortable where I am. All I can do is start where I am. And where I am is okay...it's where I'm meant to be. I need to be patient with myself, and see how things develop with RFG. Not that I think things will get better or miraculously change. I need to see how I'm feeling about things, and make my decision in time. Because it really is my decision, and not anyone else's.

Whew...gotta take my lunch break.  We'll see...stay well!