....Because it's Broken

Did I say I didn't want drama? About 2 weeks ago now (although I'm still feeling like crap), I had the DTR conversation with Red Flag Guy. I said that I was struggling with things, and that I wanted more in a relationship. His response was that he wasn't going to change. He said, "I can't give up my freedom that came at such a high price," referring to how difficult and expensive it was to leave his marriage. The rest of our dinner went okay -- pleasant, even fun -- but then when we got back to my house, things kind of blew up.

The breakup was my decision. It was based on months of struggle, as evidenced here. I've had a wonderful time with RFG, and I've learned a lot. Still, the balance had tipped somehow. The little jokes he used to emphasize the distance between us were no longer funny. I felt myself getting less patient, and excusing things that weren't the healthiest for any relationship. For example, did I mention the guy at the Salsa Room who kissed me once last summer? Well, he kept asking me out over and over. When he initially asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him I didn't. Well, I didn't, right? RFG didn't want us to use those words.  So, I gave him my phone number, but the next day I called him and told him I was involved with someone. That would have been fine, except that the next Saturday when I saw him at TSR, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight.  And that would have been okay, except there were a few other kisses here and there. Just kisses, honestly. And one time when I was dancing with him, he asked me if I wanted to go to the Romeo Santos concert in June. I told him I was already planning on going with one of my friends, but then I asked him if he wanted to come along. And then, finally, I went to brunch with him. I KNOW there's nothing wrong with going to a concert or brunch with someone, but I didn't tell RFG about it. So, I do feel like it was clearly deceptive. I was clearly hedging.

But there were definitely reasons for my hedging. As evidenced by the material in this blog, RFG wouldn't even come clean about whether we were exclusive or not. We probably were, but when I raised it last year again, he said, "Way to kill the moment." Of course I had to have things for myself....salsa dancing, and, as discussed in the previous posting, social interaction. That doesn't excuse Kissing Guy (note to self -- must come up with a better name for him), but it explains my actions somewhat. I feel like I was a bit wimpy for my actions, and hopefully I'll be more honorable in the future.

So, we got to my house and then we really started to discuss. When we were having sex, RFG said, I think this is the last time we're going to do this, which made me cry. I cried me a river.

But, I kept coming back to the statement: "It is what it is." Shit, it is what it is. And it's called a breakup because it's broken. And then RFG asked me if I'd been seeing anyone else, and I said there was a guy at TSR who kept asking me out. And then RFG felt like shit, and I cried even more. Really, it was a horrible evening. RFG left at 4 am, after patiently engaging in hours of nauseatingly circular chickflick DTR discourse. I slept only 1-2 hours, and then posted on Facebook:  "Free, but shattered."


But I'm not totally free yet. I know I should have cut it off there, but it's so damn hard. We've had a few phone conversations, and I've canceled a couple of dinners. I'm protecting myself, I think. I'm trying to take care of myself (in part by taking Kissing Guy up on his offer of a date, but that's for another posting). And I miss RFG, but I KNOW that it was the right thing to do.  I keep doing the Rain Man thing -- why can't I date RFG and have a committed relationship with all of the hallmarks, including trust, shared values, and progression?  Why couldn't Rain Man stay with Charlie Babbitt and go back to Ohio?  Because IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, that's why. You can't know the both location and velocity of a particle, and you can't make things be what they aren't. It is what it is, my friend.

In any case, I'm feeling like crap, trying to take care of myself, and doing my best to act honorably. RFG is being really nice as I cancel our dinners. I know it's not going to change. What I really want at this point is mutual understanding. I want him to know that I love him, but we want different things. I've already said that to him several times, so I'm not sure why I think he doesn't know that. I haven't told him I've gone on some dates with Kissing Guy, even though he asked if I was seeing anyone. I guess I just feel like, my dating is for me. If I were to go back to him, which I don't see how I can, it would be another story. Jeez, why does this all have to be so complicated?  Maybe I'm just not letting myself see how simple it really is, because then it would be too sad.

In any case, it's been an interesting time (in the Chinese sense). When I talked to KG about my situation, he said clearly, you were just wasting time. You've got to let him go. (Of course, KG has an ulterior motive, but I think he was speaking from the heart.)

So...What does it all add up to? What does it all mean?  I did the right thing. It's hard, and I'm still moving through it. I need to keep taking care of me and doing what I love. I need to be easy on myself and get my work and my taxes done. I need to breathe. I need to have faith. I need to love and be open to love. That's the challenge.

As an aside, here's a great quote from my friend Liz, even though I'm not religious like she is. Just ignore the cross and substitute "Higher Power" or "universe" where relevant.

Where I Need to Be

According to Mark and Angel Hack, as well as the awesome Reverend Julia from IFFP, I'm exactly where I need to be in my life. (This isn't something specific to me, by the way. We're all in this place.) It seems odd that where I need to be is this unsettled place. I had a discussion with my wonderful aunt last week, in which she asked me if I wanted to marry Red Flag Guy (no; my intuition says I can't trust him) or get married at all (maybe, but in any case I certainly would like a partner). Then she essentially asked me why I was spending time with RFG if he was such a dead end (actually,"dead end" was my expression). Our conversation helped me to decide that I need to make myself open to other social connections. Not necessarily potential dates specifically, but that could be part of it. It felt right, even though it had felt wrong in the past.

And, I tell you, I'm sick of the internal drama. In my last posting, I struggled with what to say to RFG. I want more, but not necessarily with him. Or do I? What if he changes? But, he's not going to change; we all know that. But, maybe...? Maybe I just need to say to him that I want more of a partner, but I'm afraid if thinking about it with him because. .. because why? Because he needs his secrecy and he guards his privacy. He's made it clear that my asking about some things is an imposition. I want more progression, although to what I'm not sure. I want us to keep getting to know each other. And I want more trust. Maybe it would be good to have a DTR conversation. (If you click the link, you'll see why Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim thinks this is a bad idea...)

What I really want is a change of attitude, a different outlook. I want to grab life by the...lapels, give it a good revitalizing shake, and say, here's what I want, here's what I'm aiming for. I'm tired of fear and drama. I want to be gentle with myself and know that I have my own back. I want to make my decisions in the now rather than second-guessing future scenarios. So many wants, but, hey, envisioning the future can help you realize it, right?

So, here are some more tangible things I want:
--To get myself out of credit card debt. Only $2,500 left to go.
--To max out my 401K
--To save up a rainy day fund
--To have a posse of female (and possibly male) friends, ideally for salsa dancing
--To be gentle with myself, especially in my search for a partner
--Ditto with regard to treating myself with respect

As for RFG, I want to tell him I'm struggling. I really enjoy being with him and I care about him, but I'm also asking myself if I need more. More of a commitment, more of a partner. I don't want to hurt him. I doubt myself and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. What is it, specifically, that I want him to do? He's so consistent and helpful. Well, I want us to be closer and more committed. I want progression, shared goals, and trust. I should ask him if he sees us getting closer, ever.

All of this isn't easy to articulate or find, as evidenced by my past experience. It's all too easy to doubt my feelings and observations. More thinking is needed, certainly. But I do know that life's too short. I love RFG, but I need more. So, there you go.

If it feels right, take a step. Give it a try, even if it's a little uncomfortable. Move little by little, and reassess. Be patient with yourself and have your own back. Only you can say what feels right. Breathe and be. I'm where I need to be, right now, moving forward with small, exploratory steps. Asking questions and living them.

Of limits and love

I've drawn two limits recently, and I'm proud of me.

The first limit involved my goddess friend (or perhaps former friend) S. Just because I'm not friends with her anymore doesn't make her any less of a goddess. But I made a decision to block her from my life, regardless of how wonderful she is. As I noted in my last posting, goddess friend S has disappeared again. She's now dating some kind of baron (really), but it wasn't really any different when she was dating the libertine artist. And each time it happens, I blame myself. I think, well, obviously she's got it all together now, and she's excluding me because I'm still such a mess.

Not very healthy thoughts, n'est-ce pas? And not necessarily true thoughts, since we are who we are, growth is an organic process, and it's not like dating some balding lance-carrying baron is suddenly going to make us healthy and perfect. So...I did call S on it this last time she disappeared. She said all the right things, including how she was still struggling with many things in her life. Still, after that the same pattern happened AGAIN.  Even after me gently calling her on it, she still disappeared and didn't return calls. The straw that broke the camel's back came when I FB messaged her and asked if there was something wrong with her cell, since the VM had switched to a generic message. She responded, but only to say that she needed to get rid of that number. That was it. So, I decided the best response was none at all, and I blocked her on FB as well.

What can you do.... I'm sad. When she was present, she was very present. It's just that she was only selectively present. We don't really have a vocabulary to describe breakups with friends, so I've reverted to drawing upon Baggage Reclaim's vocabulary for dealing with sh*tty guys. And what it comes down to is:

If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to do so.

Crumbs aren't worth it.

And you can't force or guilt or manipulate someone into being there if it doesn't work for them.  If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. It's called a breakup because it's broken.

So, there you go. Flush.  And I haven't heard from her.  If I do, we'll see. The bottom line is that the friendship wasn't healthy, based on my determination made over time. I tell myself this will open things up for friendships that are healthier and more appropriate. Sigh. It's still hard though.

My second limit that I imposed was more of a statement that I put out there. I've been dating Red Flag Guy for over a year. I've documented the problems and challenges here and here and here (and in many other postings as well). I may not have mentioned that it's been a hell of a lot of fun as well.  We have a lot of compatibility, and the chemistry is great.  (That and a dime will get you a ride on the IRT, but it's not nothing.)  I finally -- after an awesome date that really took advantage of our good mutual chemistry -- told RFG that I loved him. It was a limit in the sense that I was saying, here's how I feel. You either deal with it or you don't, but it is what it is.

I mean, what the f*ck, right?  We've been dating for over a year, I definitely care about him, the whole sex thing makes me feel really close to him, and why shouldn't I tell him how I feel? Right?  Yes, it's likely that I "don't know what love is." People say that if you have to ask, you're not in love.  I think that's bullshit. Here are a few things I know about love:

1. I love my kids. Unquestionably, forever, and to the moon and back.

2. I love my mom. Even though she drives me crazy and hasn't always been a healthy influence. Ditto for my brother, only more so with the unhealthy driving me crazy part. Family is family.

3. I think there are different kinds of love. Not to get all platonic/philosophical on you, but some of the kinds are I've observed are forever love, chemistry love, pet love, love that's only love for as long as it lasts but is nonetheless worth it (eg, Hagerstown Hunk), and imaginary love.  I'm not going to go into all of those now, and some of the categories are self-explanatory.

The point is, that I don't think love is binary -- as in, yes, I'm in love or no, I'm not in love.  And I don't think that if you are "in love" (whatever that means), it therefore follows that you're "meant to be" with someone or that this person is "the one."  In fact, I'd vote to get rid of the term "in love" altogether, and replace it with "in lust" or "infatuated" or "pursuing an unhealthy ideal that's really confined to my own head."  To love is the pure, untarnished, unalloyed gold standard, as it were. It's the feeling that matters, and the obligation it creates within you to honor that feeling. It doesn't matter if the other person is an idiot or an a$$hole. YOU have the feeling, and that in itself is valuable. And when I say "obligation," I'm not linking it up to any kind of commitment or relationship status. I'm simply saying that we should be generous with our love and with expressing it, regardless of how the other person is going to respond. Acknowledging and honoring our feelings of love is simply the right thing to do.

So, with that in mind, I did tell RFG that I loved him. I told him not to freak out, and that I wasn't asking for anything. I just told him how I was feeling. And it took some courage. And I felt a little bit like an idiot afterwards, which I told him as well. But really, who cares?  I felt how I felt, and I didn't tell him to evoke some kind of reaction or declaration from him. (Of course a declaration from him would have been nice, but I neither expected nor received one.) And now he typically hasn't been in touch, other than a phone call yesterday, but that's nothing new. (And we do need to keep in mind the human years/dog years thing about women's versus men's perceptions of phone calls.)

The key thing is that a) I owned my feelings, b) I expressed my feelings independently of any expectation of his response, and c) I acknowledged that if expressing my feelings drives him away, then so be it. And I think that's HEALTHY folks, regardless of any other unhealthy aspect of the relationship. Yay, right?  It's a good thing!

So, I'm feeling strangely energized (perhaps helped by an afternoon espresso), a little anxious (nothing new), a bit impatient and bottom-line-ish, and happily un-angst-ridden. Woo hoo!

We'll see...There's still so much to work on, and I'm committed to working on it through doing.  As I've said numerous times before, I need to have faith in myself and the future, inshallah.  Time to breath and smile, I think.

Living my Questions

Around New Year's, a friend posted the following quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

The quote totally resonated with me, as it reflected the process I had to go through to finally decide to end my marriage. Despite the advice I got from numerous friends, relatives, and even strangers, I couldn't act until I had gotten myself to the point that was right for me. It took thinking, but more than that, it took living.

Now I find myself struggling with the same process as I review my relationship with Red Flag Guy, as well as a friendship with one of my Goddess friends. In both cases I feel like I'm not getting enough of what I need, but I'm scared to say anything -- particularly the wrong thing -- lest the friendship/relationship end for the wrong reasons. It ties me up in knots. But this isn't a new pattern, so I also find myself asking what this pattern is and why I'm in it.

Another friend recently posted some links to articles on attachment theory, which posits that our patterns of interactions with our parents at a very young age essentially sets the stage for our relationships later in life. The idea is if our parents don't treat us with consistent caring, we'll end up either having anxiety or avoidance relationship patterns in our adult years. A lot has been written about it, including an analysis of Harry Potter characters. And guess what I've clearly ended up with? Both Ron Weasley and I are apparently anxious attachers. (On the plus side, that's better than Harry, who's clearly an avoider.)  

This comes off to me as yet another pat, unprovable theory that ends up blaming the mother, as always.  But still....some things about it ring true for me empirically. Here's what Psych Central says about "anxious attachment":

"You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner in. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes."

I think that describes me (and, alas, my mother, to some extent). Just reading my past blog entries -- although the thought of doing so makes me cringe -- provides proof. The literature also says that anxious attachers may seek out avoiders because feeling lonely and having to strive for love is a familiar pattern for them. There's more, including some thoughts on how to change your attachment style. All of the writers seem to suggest therapy, but they also say that being in a healthy relationship with a secure person can help. In addition, they say learning to "identify, value, and assertively express your emotional needs" can help, as can self-acceptance and being authentic. Whew!  That's certainly a lot.

So, as I struggle to live my questions and take all of these thoughts into account, I wonder if I should say something to RFG about how I'm not satisfied. I want more intimacy, commitment, and domesticity, although there are certainly limits on how far things can go with him. We're at different points in life, and he's clearly an avoider. I'm just not sure how to say it. I don't want to be confrontational. The important thing is that I should be able to say what I feel, because I'm really in a prison of my own making. I think I should keep these things in mind and let the situation evolve organically. 

I'd like to say something like, "Look, I know you're not looking for a family situation, and you're in a different phase of your life than I am. I'm really enjoying being with you, and I feel like I want more. I feel like de facto I'm your girlfriend, but you tell me I'm your friend or you evade the question...." 

And then it kind of breaks down, and I start to doubt myself. Yes, he's been there for me, he's helped me in many ways, and he's been amazingly consistent. But it feels like each day, each week, I have to wonder if it's continuing or ending. Is that him, or is it me? Or is it a mix of both? Why can't he say straight out that we're exclusive, instead of acting offended or joking around? I just feel like there are some gray areas that make me feel unsettled or even...yes, anxious. And because he holds back, then I hold back. My kids know about him, sure, but I haven't told my mom anything. (That's also because my mom drives me crazy and it's none of her business.) I've told a couple of friends, but not many. Why can't I settle into the relationship? Like I said, part of this is me. There's some fear in there on my part.

So, I don't want to break up with RFG. I care about him and we have a great time together. I just want to be able to express my concerns and my needs.  And that's something I obviously haven't learned to do. (And I do think we can blame my mom for much of this, btw, since she was overwhelmingly concerned with catering to my father and meeting all of his needs, to the detriment of her own needs and those of her children.)  

It's not that I haven't expressed my needs with RFG. Back near the start, I talked to him about how it made me anxious that I cared about him. Also, I've told him how I want more. And he's made clear that he doesn't want much of a commitment, although when he gets all domestic on me it's so damn confusing and falsley tempting. So, maybe there's nothing to talk about. But living my questions requires me to continue to express myself authentically, and to live through it until I'm living the answers.

So....I've squared the circle, as it were, and I'm back at square one. Or am I (deep voice)? As someone once pointed out to me, I may be going in circles, but they're concentric circles and I'm making progress along the way.  So...I just need to keep identifying, valuing, and expressing my needs authentically, and hopefully the answers will come.

As for the Goddess friend I mentioned above...sigh...she's wonderful, but she's been incredibly inconsistent. In fact, she's been the queen of intermittment reinforcement.

 

Do I say something to her? Do I try to change my thinking about her, not so much as a friend I can count on, but as someone I connect with from time to time? It's really hard.  This last go-round, I left her three frickin' phone message, for fuck's sake. I think I will need to communicate with her eventually, if only to express my feelings.  We'll see..

It's all good.  I'm feeling grateful and trying to love, honor, and care for myself, and others, and to live healthily.  Good night!

Half a Loaf?

So, I had one of those "hit me like a ton of bricks" realizations tonight. I didn't expect it. It just came out of nowhere. Well, it actually came out of Facebook (thanks, Mark Zuckerberg). I recently became FB friends with Dancing Guy, someone I had dated (and blogged about) last year. Let's just say we've gotten together a couple of times since then. I didn't plan these get-togethers, but they seemed to balance out Red Flag Guy's undeclared activities. I felt good about Dancing Guy, like he was a friend and appreciated me. And I still do feel that way, but...

You see, I found pictures of him with his current girlfriend on FB. I'm good at that. And I realized -- with the impact of all of those bricks hitting me -- wow, they're, like, together. There are all sorts of photos of them, including in Miami Beach, and she obviously knows his daughters. And she refers to him as her partner. And that's what REALLY hit me. Why aren't I working towards having a partner? Why, all I'm getting is crumbs! Certainly I'm getting crumbs from Dancing Guy. Here I am, feeling like he's played this important role, getting me into dancing, an activity which has been such a blessing for me. And feeling like, wow, he values me because he's attracted to me, which is pretty fucked up (but not too uncommon, I'm sure). While, all along he's been pursuing this relatively committed relationship, something that's a level above what I've been doing. And while I know I shouldn't blame myself, and I am where I am, it's still hitting me like a ton of bricks. 

And, just in case it's not clear, although I've been dating Red Flag Guy for around a year (!), and it's been fun, what he's been giving me is at most half a loaf, if that. Once again, I have the opportunity to kick myself for not seeking more.

This post-divorce single mom dating journey has been a valiant, admirable, courageous struggle. My dating warrior goddess friends -- Suzanne, Charlotte, Dawn, Leah -- and I are pitting ourselves against inner demons, assclowns (to use Natalie Lue's expression) and Smug Marrieds (to borrow from Bridget Jones). But what's SO hard is that it's not a sprint. It's apparently a fucking marathon ("fucking" as an adjective, people), and you're only as far along as you are. It's as if I can see some not too far off glowing shore from here, replete with full loaves, and I want so much in my heart and my soul and even my brain to just reach out and be there. I want to leave the crumbs and half-assed relationships I've had behind me and simply demand -- as simple as a man, a plan, a canal...Panama -- that my next relationship be fully baked and full-blown committed. But it doesn't work that way. I'm beginning to think that the only way I can get there is breath by breath, step by step, living a life of valuing myself. Having the knee-jerk reaction of having my own back. Breathing through and accepting anxiety and fear. Recalibrating and staying focused. Honestly, I think I'm doing this more and more, but I'm not there yet. And, of course, we're all imperfect, and part of the journey is accepting that and even reveling in it.

So, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm learning these lessons and that I can work through them. I'm grateful for my dating warrior goddess friends, among others. I'm grateful that I'm having fun while I'm learning these sometimes painful lessons. I'm grateful that I have faith...still.

Signing off in a better state of mind...tomorrow is another day, and I'm grateful for it.

Through the Dark Woods

So, I’m still stuck with Red Flag Guy, with no one to blame but myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having an awesome time with him. It’s just that I want – I need – more from him, or from any “relationship.” I want someone who will call me his girlfriend.  I want someone whom I can actually question about what he did and who he did it with without being viewed as his ex-wife checking up on him. I want someone with whom there’s a little more…there there. On the other hand, we have a great time together. We click, he’s smart and funny and engaging, the sex is great most of the time, and we have many similar cultural references (strangely enough, since he’s not from here...who knew they had "Ultraman" in Nicaragua in the 1970s?). But, still….Why isn’t he enough?

Well, maybe because my parents’ awesome-for-them-but-not-necessarily-for-others relationship has been imprinted on my vulnerable, receptive brain. Could it be that if I can’t somehow characterize it as “like my parents’ relationship,” then it lacks value? That could be one reason why I’m finding RFG not to be enough. Or maybe it’s that he’s by his own admission noncommittal. The center of his life is his party time with his friends. I asked him recently if he thought I was asking enough from him. His response was that he thought I was asking too much. 

This is all too familiar. I think what I got from my formative years, growing up with parents who loved me but who were totally wrapped up in each other and their own storied lore of a relationship, was that I don’t deserve unconditional love. Rather, I have to go out and work for it. I have to chase it, and if it’s not something difficult, it’s not worth it. In other words, I need to be the needy one, and then someone makes me whole, as it were, by deigning to be with me. I’ve grown accustomed to crumbs--in “Baggage Reclaim” Natalie’s words--and chasing them is my uncomfortable comfort zone. 

Or on the other hand….maybe I want someone to give me what I can only give myself, as the women’s magazines say. Maybe I’m too demanding. Maybe I should work through things and grow strong on my own, and only then will I deserve to be loved. 

But I can work through logically how this idea is bullshit, and I’m working on making this understanding a default belief of mine as well. The vast majority of us need and want someone. Just because you need doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. Just because you’re strong enough to share your vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re to be denigrated. Just because my parents always took the safe choice doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest choice for me, or even that it would work for me at all.

So, I can pretty much convince myself that it’s okay to want to be with someone, and that you don’t have to be perfect or “together” to have the right to have someone love you. Thank God for Facebook and other social media for helping me to learn this. As I said, it’s an ongoing process, and I’m working on really internalizing the belief. It’s funny, the contrast between the deeply held, often unconscious beliefs you learn in childhood and the ones you gradually and painfully adopt over the course of your life.

I’m trying to get up the courage to say no to RFG for tomorrow night. It’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I’d really like to go dancing at The Salsa Room. When I talked to him last night, I was kind of annoyed. I asked him, “When will we see each other,” and he said, “Maybe Wednesday.” (You can tell I’m on edge when something like that makes me annoyed.) I was annoyed because of what I perceived as the noncommittal nature of his response. Why the “maybe?” He asked why I was annoyed, and I told him that I wanted more, and that if he didn’t want to be with me to let me know. I also told him that I’d been feeling lonely and missing him. He raised the issue of my schedule, which gives me limited availability. He also pointed out that we had talked two days ago. All of that is true, but I was still glad I was able to express my feelings. I feel like I need him to be more present, but he’s not going to change. And the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

So…we agreed on Wednesday, but I’m feeling like I’d rather go dancing. And he’d be fine with it.  But I have this misplaced belief that if I say no to being with him, he’ll back away, and it will be my fault. I’ll be all alone, and I’ll be the one to blame for that. My brain knows this is wrong, but I’m not feeling it. Honestly, if I say I want to do something else and he interprets it as me no longer wanting to be with him, or if he uses it as an excuse to blame a breakup on me, well then he isn’t worth keeping, is he? And I know the truth, even if he doesn’t. I only have control over my own thoughts and feelings, not anyone else’s. But, in any case, my decision about Wednesday has become easier because it’s supposed to snow. I’ll put things off until I see how snowy it is, because we might not go out anyway.

This is all making me so tired. But, I do believe I’m learning and growing. I wish I didn’t have to go through this struggle, but it is what it is. I should be grateful that I can learn, as an adult, and that I see a path forwards through these dark woods, even if I don’t know where it leads. I’m going step by step, often blindly, following the instinct that I’m trying to develop. I’m creating a new reality in my head, and I'm also building that reality by moving forward into it. My internal struggles inform my steps forward, and vice versa. I just wish the woods weren’t so dark. But perhaps my eyes are adjusting, slowly. And maybe I’ll learn to no longer follow a trail of crumbs through the forest.

The In Between Place

Okay, I'm out of order here. This posting was written a few weeks ago, on September 11. It just shows that things have been messed up for a while.

So, I'm kind of in a weird place.

I'm kind of broken up with Red Flag Guy.

I'm kind of wanting to date again and find someone to...what?  I need to articulate that better. I'm also not wanting to go through the discomfort of dating...but that's just how it is.

I'm kind of lonely...kind of busy...kind of feeling like I want to organize my life, but at the same time wanting to take up every possible social opportunity.

I'm kind of sad...kind of focused...kind of exhausted...kind of hopeful.

Maybe this is the break-up zone. Full disclosure -- I went out with RFG last night.  It seemed like the wrong thing to do at first, then after he called me I decided, what the hell? It was fine, but it was the same.  We went out for dinner (mediocre restaurant...boo to Bonefish), had fun chatting, came back to my house, he stayed until 3 am. We talked about bit about our situation -- he said he couldn't give me what I wanted and that he felt like I had put him "under the lights" with my questions. The sex was...fine.  I mean, it's been a while.  I don't know if I believe him that it's been a while for him.  All in all, I feel kind of ambivalent about it.

I think the thing is, damn it, that I want to be domestic, and there is that part of him that wants that too.  Honestly, we were driving through Kentlands, and he showed me a house he had bid on but lost. He was going on and on about what a great neighorhood it was, with great schools, and how the house had 5 bedrooms.  I said to him, "You know, you really want to start another family. That's what going to happen to you. You're going to buy a house, meet a young woman, have more kids, and start over. Why else would you want a house with 5 bedrooms?"  His answer was to a) say that he wanted the house because its garage would enable him to buy a Porsche 911, and b) turn up the music louder.

I didn't press any further, but what I take from that is a) the domestic vibe I've been getting from him is not in my imagination, and b) it's not working between him and me.  Because if it was, that vibe would go somewhere, right?  It doesn't matter if it's not working because of him, me, the timing, or a combination of those things.  The bottom line is that it's in a not-working place.

The scene from a movie that represents the ultimate not-working state for me is when Hugh Grant sees his longtime girlfriend Henrietta (aka Duckface) at a wedding, and they speak volumes just through looks and a single word. You can tell that they've gone through the same encounter time after time, and that the heightened emotions are part of the pattern. I think the one-word scene ends with the girlfriend crying and running off with her friends, who glare at Hugh Grant. The point is that some things just don't work, and over time they become even more unhealthy.

I don't want that to happen with RFG and me. So far our pattern is:

Him -- You want more than I do.  I can't give you what you want.
Me -- You're right, I want more of a partner.

And that's it.  What else can you say to that?  It is what it is.  It's just this damn processing that we all have to do to get through it.  My heart is still living in the past, but my brain is pretty damn clear when I let it be.

And then there's the known unknowns thing that I mentioned in my last posting.  Yes, I've been corresponding with people (guys) on OK Cupid, and I may meet one or two, but I'm simply not excited about it.  At the same time, I feel like I need to be "out there," and if I'm not I'll fall into menopause, cats, gray hair, and old lady clothes.

See what my brain does to me?  It's the late 40s version of "what if I never meet someone and have kids?"

The way forward is obvious:  Do what I enjoy.  What do I enjoy?  Salsa dancing, baby.  If only I could hook up with someone at one of these dance places, but I'm just too reserved. Also, I would get attached emotionally.  Where is Erica Jong's zipless fuck when you need it?

[Aside: My zipless fuck fantasy would involve a former grad school classmate who works as a banker in the Middle East and could fly to the US a few times a year.  The only thing is, I'm not attracted to him in real life. He does run marathons, though, so he must be in pretty good shape.]

So, here is the ambiguity in my life:

1) I know it's not working with RFG, but I'm still (somewhat) attached to him.
2) I want to find "a partner," but -- as mentioned last time -- I'm having trouble articulating more than that.
3) I'm lonely, but I'm so not into dating right now.

Strangely enough, an ex-boyfriend from a zillion years ago sent me a mindfulness link on FB. He said I seemed ":stressed," and that this thing had helped him in the past.  Even though I don't have patience with that stuff, I may give it a try.  Anything to enable me to just settle down and enjoy.

Because, after all, we're all so effing lucky.  I was reminded of that as I turned on the radio and happened to hear someone talking about 9/11.  And I realized, oh wow, it's today.  And I thought, oops, my God, there's much more in the world than my personal issues. While I'm in this in-between place, it's important to keep that in mind -- both the luckiness and the need to broaden my focus.  

So, there's no resolution in this posting.  Just a recognition of where I am, that it's okay to be there, and that there's more out there than I know.  And more thoughts about today, and its broader implications.


And when I think about moving forward, I picture myself moving through darkness with a strong flashlight.  I can't see everything that's around me, and I can't know what's coming up.  But, I'm not scared.  I'm a bit anxious, a bit nervous, but also curious.  What's out there?  How will it be different (and better) than what I've encountered before?  What will it teach me, and what will I gain from it?  It's kind of cool, actually.

(Yes, I know that's Kyra Sedgewick, and -- no pun intended -- I have a 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon connection with her.)