Half a Loaf?

So, I had one of those "hit me like a ton of bricks" realizations tonight. I didn't expect it. It just came out of nowhere. Well, it actually came out of Facebook (thanks, Mark Zuckerberg). I recently became FB friends with Dancing Guy, someone I had dated (and blogged about) last year. Let's just say we've gotten together a couple of times since then. I didn't plan these get-togethers, but they seemed to balance out Red Flag Guy's undeclared activities. I felt good about Dancing Guy, like he was a friend and appreciated me. And I still do feel that way, but...

You see, I found pictures of him with his current girlfriend on FB. I'm good at that. And I realized -- with the impact of all of those bricks hitting me -- wow, they're, like, together. There are all sorts of photos of them, including in Miami Beach, and she obviously knows his daughters. And she refers to him as her partner. And that's what REALLY hit me. Why aren't I working towards having a partner? Why, all I'm getting is crumbs! Certainly I'm getting crumbs from Dancing Guy. Here I am, feeling like he's played this important role, getting me into dancing, an activity which has been such a blessing for me. And feeling like, wow, he values me because he's attracted to me, which is pretty fucked up (but not too uncommon, I'm sure). While, all along he's been pursuing this relatively committed relationship, something that's a level above what I've been doing. And while I know I shouldn't blame myself, and I am where I am, it's still hitting me like a ton of bricks. 

And, just in case it's not clear, although I've been dating Red Flag Guy for around a year (!), and it's been fun, what he's been giving me is at most half a loaf, if that. Once again, I have the opportunity to kick myself for not seeking more.

This post-divorce single mom dating journey has been a valiant, admirable, courageous struggle. My dating warrior goddess friends -- Suzanne, Charlotte, Dawn, Leah -- and I are pitting ourselves against inner demons, assclowns (to use Natalie Lue's expression) and Smug Marrieds (to borrow from Bridget Jones). But what's SO hard is that it's not a sprint. It's apparently a fucking marathon ("fucking" as an adjective, people), and you're only as far along as you are. It's as if I can see some not too far off glowing shore from here, replete with full loaves, and I want so much in my heart and my soul and even my brain to just reach out and be there. I want to leave the crumbs and half-assed relationships I've had behind me and simply demand -- as simple as a man, a plan, a canal...Panama -- that my next relationship be fully baked and full-blown committed. But it doesn't work that way. I'm beginning to think that the only way I can get there is breath by breath, step by step, living a life of valuing myself. Having the knee-jerk reaction of having my own back. Breathing through and accepting anxiety and fear. Recalibrating and staying focused. Honestly, I think I'm doing this more and more, but I'm not there yet. And, of course, we're all imperfect, and part of the journey is accepting that and even reveling in it.

So, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm learning these lessons and that I can work through them. I'm grateful for my dating warrior goddess friends, among others. I'm grateful that I'm having fun while I'm learning these sometimes painful lessons. I'm grateful that I have faith...still.

Signing off in a better state of mind...tomorrow is another day, and I'm grateful for it.

Through the Dark Woods

So, I’m still stuck with Red Flag Guy, with no one to blame but myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having an awesome time with him. It’s just that I want – I need – more from him, or from any “relationship.” I want someone who will call me his girlfriend.  I want someone whom I can actually question about what he did and who he did it with without being viewed as his ex-wife checking up on him. I want someone with whom there’s a little more…there there. On the other hand, we have a great time together. We click, he’s smart and funny and engaging, the sex is great most of the time, and we have many similar cultural references (strangely enough, since he’s not from here...who knew they had "Ultraman" in Nicaragua in the 1970s?). But, still….Why isn’t he enough?

Well, maybe because my parents’ awesome-for-them-but-not-necessarily-for-others relationship has been imprinted on my vulnerable, receptive brain. Could it be that if I can’t somehow characterize it as “like my parents’ relationship,” then it lacks value? That could be one reason why I’m finding RFG not to be enough. Or maybe it’s that he’s by his own admission noncommittal. The center of his life is his party time with his friends. I asked him recently if he thought I was asking enough from him. His response was that he thought I was asking too much. 

This is all too familiar. I think what I got from my formative years, growing up with parents who loved me but who were totally wrapped up in each other and their own storied lore of a relationship, was that I don’t deserve unconditional love. Rather, I have to go out and work for it. I have to chase it, and if it’s not something difficult, it’s not worth it. In other words, I need to be the needy one, and then someone makes me whole, as it were, by deigning to be with me. I’ve grown accustomed to crumbs--in “Baggage Reclaim” Natalie’s words--and chasing them is my uncomfortable comfort zone. 

Or on the other hand….maybe I want someone to give me what I can only give myself, as the women’s magazines say. Maybe I’m too demanding. Maybe I should work through things and grow strong on my own, and only then will I deserve to be loved. 

But I can work through logically how this idea is bullshit, and I’m working on making this understanding a default belief of mine as well. The vast majority of us need and want someone. Just because you need doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. Just because you’re strong enough to share your vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re to be denigrated. Just because my parents always took the safe choice doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest choice for me, or even that it would work for me at all.

So, I can pretty much convince myself that it’s okay to want to be with someone, and that you don’t have to be perfect or “together” to have the right to have someone love you. Thank God for Facebook and other social media for helping me to learn this. As I said, it’s an ongoing process, and I’m working on really internalizing the belief. It’s funny, the contrast between the deeply held, often unconscious beliefs you learn in childhood and the ones you gradually and painfully adopt over the course of your life.

I’m trying to get up the courage to say no to RFG for tomorrow night. It’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I’d really like to go dancing at The Salsa Room. When I talked to him last night, I was kind of annoyed. I asked him, “When will we see each other,” and he said, “Maybe Wednesday.” (You can tell I’m on edge when something like that makes me annoyed.) I was annoyed because of what I perceived as the noncommittal nature of his response. Why the “maybe?” He asked why I was annoyed, and I told him that I wanted more, and that if he didn’t want to be with me to let me know. I also told him that I’d been feeling lonely and missing him. He raised the issue of my schedule, which gives me limited availability. He also pointed out that we had talked two days ago. All of that is true, but I was still glad I was able to express my feelings. I feel like I need him to be more present, but he’s not going to change. And the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

So…we agreed on Wednesday, but I’m feeling like I’d rather go dancing. And he’d be fine with it.  But I have this misplaced belief that if I say no to being with him, he’ll back away, and it will be my fault. I’ll be all alone, and I’ll be the one to blame for that. My brain knows this is wrong, but I’m not feeling it. Honestly, if I say I want to do something else and he interprets it as me no longer wanting to be with him, or if he uses it as an excuse to blame a breakup on me, well then he isn’t worth keeping, is he? And I know the truth, even if he doesn’t. I only have control over my own thoughts and feelings, not anyone else’s. But, in any case, my decision about Wednesday has become easier because it’s supposed to snow. I’ll put things off until I see how snowy it is, because we might not go out anyway.

This is all making me so tired. But, I do believe I’m learning and growing. I wish I didn’t have to go through this struggle, but it is what it is. I should be grateful that I can learn, as an adult, and that I see a path forwards through these dark woods, even if I don’t know where it leads. I’m going step by step, often blindly, following the instinct that I’m trying to develop. I’m creating a new reality in my head, and I'm also building that reality by moving forward into it. My internal struggles inform my steps forward, and vice versa. I just wish the woods weren’t so dark. But perhaps my eyes are adjusting, slowly. And maybe I’ll learn to no longer follow a trail of crumbs through the forest.

The In Between Place

Okay, I'm out of order here. This posting was written a few weeks ago, on September 11. It just shows that things have been messed up for a while.

So, I'm kind of in a weird place.

I'm kind of broken up with Red Flag Guy.

I'm kind of wanting to date again and find someone to...what?  I need to articulate that better. I'm also not wanting to go through the discomfort of dating...but that's just how it is.

I'm kind of lonely...kind of busy...kind of feeling like I want to organize my life, but at the same time wanting to take up every possible social opportunity.

I'm kind of sad...kind of focused...kind of exhausted...kind of hopeful.

Maybe this is the break-up zone. Full disclosure -- I went out with RFG last night.  It seemed like the wrong thing to do at first, then after he called me I decided, what the hell? It was fine, but it was the same.  We went out for dinner (mediocre restaurant...boo to Bonefish), had fun chatting, came back to my house, he stayed until 3 am. We talked about bit about our situation -- he said he couldn't give me what I wanted and that he felt like I had put him "under the lights" with my questions. The sex was...fine.  I mean, it's been a while.  I don't know if I believe him that it's been a while for him.  All in all, I feel kind of ambivalent about it.

I think the thing is, damn it, that I want to be domestic, and there is that part of him that wants that too.  Honestly, we were driving through Kentlands, and he showed me a house he had bid on but lost. He was going on and on about what a great neighorhood it was, with great schools, and how the house had 5 bedrooms.  I said to him, "You know, you really want to start another family. That's what going to happen to you. You're going to buy a house, meet a young woman, have more kids, and start over. Why else would you want a house with 5 bedrooms?"  His answer was to a) say that he wanted the house because its garage would enable him to buy a Porsche 911, and b) turn up the music louder.

I didn't press any further, but what I take from that is a) the domestic vibe I've been getting from him is not in my imagination, and b) it's not working between him and me.  Because if it was, that vibe would go somewhere, right?  It doesn't matter if it's not working because of him, me, the timing, or a combination of those things.  The bottom line is that it's in a not-working place.

The scene from a movie that represents the ultimate not-working state for me is when Hugh Grant sees his longtime girlfriend Henrietta (aka Duckface) at a wedding, and they speak volumes just through looks and a single word. You can tell that they've gone through the same encounter time after time, and that the heightened emotions are part of the pattern. I think the one-word scene ends with the girlfriend crying and running off with her friends, who glare at Hugh Grant. The point is that some things just don't work, and over time they become even more unhealthy.

I don't want that to happen with RFG and me. So far our pattern is:

Him -- You want more than I do.  I can't give you what you want.
Me -- You're right, I want more of a partner.

And that's it.  What else can you say to that?  It is what it is.  It's just this damn processing that we all have to do to get through it.  My heart is still living in the past, but my brain is pretty damn clear when I let it be.

And then there's the known unknowns thing that I mentioned in my last posting.  Yes, I've been corresponding with people (guys) on OK Cupid, and I may meet one or two, but I'm simply not excited about it.  At the same time, I feel like I need to be "out there," and if I'm not I'll fall into menopause, cats, gray hair, and old lady clothes.

See what my brain does to me?  It's the late 40s version of "what if I never meet someone and have kids?"

The way forward is obvious:  Do what I enjoy.  What do I enjoy?  Salsa dancing, baby.  If only I could hook up with someone at one of these dance places, but I'm just too reserved. Also, I would get attached emotionally.  Where is Erica Jong's zipless fuck when you need it?

[Aside: My zipless fuck fantasy would involve a former grad school classmate who works as a banker in the Middle East and could fly to the US a few times a year.  The only thing is, I'm not attracted to him in real life. He does run marathons, though, so he must be in pretty good shape.]

So, here is the ambiguity in my life:

1) I know it's not working with RFG, but I'm still (somewhat) attached to him.
2) I want to find "a partner," but -- as mentioned last time -- I'm having trouble articulating more than that.
3) I'm lonely, but I'm so not into dating right now.

Strangely enough, an ex-boyfriend from a zillion years ago sent me a mindfulness link on FB. He said I seemed ":stressed," and that this thing had helped him in the past.  Even though I don't have patience with that stuff, I may give it a try.  Anything to enable me to just settle down and enjoy.

Because, after all, we're all so effing lucky.  I was reminded of that as I turned on the radio and happened to hear someone talking about 9/11.  And I realized, oh wow, it's today.  And I thought, oops, my God, there's much more in the world than my personal issues. While I'm in this in-between place, it's important to keep that in mind -- both the luckiness and the need to broaden my focus.  

So, there's no resolution in this posting.  Just a recognition of where I am, that it's okay to be there, and that there's more out there than I know.  And more thoughts about today, and its broader implications.


And when I think about moving forward, I picture myself moving through darkness with a strong flashlight.  I can't see everything that's around me, and I can't know what's coming up.  But, I'm not scared.  I'm a bit anxious, a bit nervous, but also curious.  What's out there?  How will it be different (and better) than what I've encountered before?  What will it teach me, and what will I gain from it?  It's kind of cool, actually.

(Yes, I know that's Kyra Sedgewick, and -- no pun intended -- I have a 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon connection with her.)

In Which I Chastise Myself for Living in a Glass House

Honestly, I can't believe I'm not kicking Red Flag Guy to the curb for this. What, you thought we had broken up?  Well, no, he missed me and called me, and I stupidly let him take me out again. I missed him too...there's something to be said for caring, compatibility, and chemistry. However, according to Baggage Reclaim, that and a dime will get you a ride on the IRT when it comes to developing a healthy relationship. Apparently, what's really bottom line important are intimacy, commitment, consistency, consistency, balance, progression, and shared values, plus love, care, trust, and respect. Natalie Lue, the blog's awesome author, says that without these things, a relationship doesn't have the legs to carry it.

So, case in point. I asked RFG on Saturday night to clarify if we were still exclusive, since I was concerned about unprotected sex. We'd done that from early on, since he had asked about it and proposed that we be exclusive. And on Saturday he didn't give me a straight answer and got upset with me, like it was my fault because I was asking. He actually said something like, "Way to kill the moment." Which made me feel like crap, of course.

But I feel like I need to ask, since I'm the one who would be at risk and I'm responsible for other people besides just myself. Also, I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing him if he's seeing anyone else.

Why am I such an idiot about this?  It’s not like I’m some young African motherwhose husband gets HIV/AIDS while working in the mines, and then catches itherself because she can’t refuse him.

If a friend were in this situation, I would say protect yourself. I would he's not worth being with. God forbid, if one of my daughters were in this situation, I would hate the guy. I would say, use a condom. I would think that by not giving her a straight answer, he's simply not being respectful. Even if it is one of his "issues," it's clear he doesn't respect her enough to get past those issues and give her a straight answer.

The flip side is, we're all lonely and we need sex.  So, maybe I could make him wear a condom and see him from time to time. But that’s not really what I want either. Well, I want to see him, but not as a second class citizen.

So, here are my two options:

1) Make him wear a condom, and feel bad because he might be seeing other people.

2) Tell him that I felt like he didn't give me a direct answer, and then ask for a direct answer. Then figure out what I'll do when he doesn't give me one.

It’s like it insults him when I ask him these things. He was upset when we first started dating and I asked him if he was going to see anyone when he went down to Florida for work. (I asked it because he told me there was someone he had dated in Fort Lauderdale.) He raised it with me, saying it had bothered him when I asked him that. So, why can’t I do the same sort of thing when something he does bothers me?

Honestly, WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE AM I SETTING FOR MY DAUGHTERS???  It’s a bad example in so many ways, but of course the unprotected sex in the ambiguous situation is the worst part of it.

I’ve got to GET IT IN GEAR, girlfriend. I’ve got to PUT ON MY BIG GIRL PANTIES.  Yes, I’m upset with myself about this. To give me credit, I tried. I tried, he acted like an ass, and I cried. Then he apologized, but he still didn’t give me a straight answer. Ma jebi ga.

It’s not rocket science. But maybe it is.  Maybe I have one less problem without him.

Oh, stuff like this is always messy, isn’t it?  But it's oh so clear, really.  Why can't I accept reality?  Once again, I've got a Rain Man thing going on. 

While I obviously feel stuck, I also feel hopeful about Mark and Angel Hack's advice about getting out of stuck:

"You’re way stronger and a lot less stuck than you think. – Take heart, and remember that the biggest breakthroughs often come after a long period of being stuck.  Which is why feeling stuck for a while is necessary.  Embrace this.  When things seem to be at their worst is the ideal time for you to be at your best.  If you can’t take a big step forward, take a little one.  Tip-toe if you must.  Just keep reminding yourself that you are strong enough to take the next tiniest step, and that this step is the only step that matters right now."

So, that's what I'm trying to do. Trying to take baby steps, honestly trying to pray about being able to make healthy decisions for myself and my children. My goddess friend Suzanne says praying is all about intention, so I set my intention now, through prayer and writing. I'll take things day by day, and make the healthiest decisions I can. Inshallah, as they say in Morocco. I want to live healthily with my kids. More to follow.

Kind of Blue

Well, I'm kind of in mourning tonight.  For one thing, it's been almost 3 years to the day since my dad died of an unexpected allergic reaction to a bee sting.  Since that day, things have changed tremendously, in many walks of my life.  No wonder I feel so tired and overwhelmed sometimes.  I mean, it's been great, and I have an adventurous soul.  But, as you know, I've also spent my life struggling with feeling like I have enough value, and sometimes I feel like there's a hole in my heart.

Still...I have so many blessings, I know.  I am SO damn lucky in so many ways.  I'm not even going to go into them at this point, because I've mentioned many of them before on this page.  One blessing I haven't mentioned is the wonderful Facebook group my college class has formed since our 25th reunion, and how great it's been learning about people's struggles and how they've dealt with them.  It's really a virtual community, and it's so nice knowing those people are out there (and even seeing some of them irl -- as they say -- from time to time).

On other fronts, Red Flag Guy and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.  He just stopped calling, and later when we spoke he told me he couldn't give me what I wanted.  He said he felt bad, but he didn't want a commitment right now.  I know that's true.  It was a relief at first, not having to wonder anymore if we were going to get together, because, hey we'd broken up.  Lack of anxiety is a good thing.  But now I'm feeling sad.  It's a process.  I've been out salsa dancing a lot, and as I drive back at night, especially on the Beltway, I miss him.  I miss him in bed.  I miss him spending the night.  I miss us going out to dinner and joking.  I miss being able to send him funny and inappropriate cartoons.  The hard part, when I talked to him, was that he was asking me how I was doing in a casual way, as if nothing was bothering him.  Then when I asked him about the breakup, he said he hadn't called me because he was feeling bad.  And I know his life is going on.  Even if he hasn't found someone yet, he will.  It's that human years/dog years thing with us, and he's the dog.  I'm busy going out, but I can't imagine dating someone now.  I don't think it would be fair to the person.  It would be nice at this point to just have someone take me out and have some decent adult conversation.  That's it.  And it would be nice to have a one night stand, but that's not gonna happen.  Argh...

And I've read all of the effing breakup books.  And I know it's called a breakup because it's broken. 

 (Yes, I've got to read that one again, it's good.)  If you break up, it wasn't meant to be, right?  It may be painful, but you'll see that once you get some distance.  I know that I realized it wasn't right when we were in it.  He didn't want a partner, like I did.  We were domestic together, but he didn't want to be accountable.  I learned a lot and gained a lot, but it was what it was, right?  It's so hard.  Time should help.  Natalie of Baggage Reclaim talks about the landmarks of healthy relationships -- intimacy, commitment, progression, balance and consistency, as well as shared core values along with love, care, trust, and respect.  Well, when someone says he's not ready to make a commitment, and when someone doesn't really want the relationship to progress, what can you do?  Compatibility really won't get you very far if you don't have those things.  Argh...

And then, there's the issue of who else I can find for a relationship?  Or the supposed issue, because the answer is that this is a known unknown.

 

(Sometimes it can be oddly comforting to adopt Donald Rumsfeld's ways of thinking.)  It's not really faith, as in religious faith, but it's more like a comforting logic.  I really don't know what's out there, and I suppose I'm not burned out enough (yet) to be overly pessimistic.  I keep thinking of a book my father gave me in 11th grade called Flatland: A Romance in Many Dimensions.  In the book, the hero explains how since his world is two dimensional, if a sphere were to pass through it, people would only see a circle starting out small, getting larger, and then getting smaller again over time until it ended up as a single point:

I think that our lives are similar.  We're at a single point in time, and I think that as we act, we're preparing ourselves for a future that we can't see.  For all we know, some action that way take can make a huge difference in our lives down the line.  But we have no idea what will lead to what, because we can only see where we are now. and not the big picture.  For example, I keep trying to convince my goddess divorced mom friend Suzanne that all of the painful growth she's been going through over the summer are preparing her for something better.  She can't see it, but I can.  Hopefully my breakup will lead to something better too.  Hopefully I'll raise my standards, as I did after Dancing Guy and his crumbs of texts.  I believe the lessons I learned will stick.  I clearly don't want someone who isn't looking for a partner -- and partner doesn't have to mean marriage, bro.

So, another issue that I have is that I don't have a dating mission statement.  Here's what I can say so far:

"I'm looking for a partner."
"I'm looking for someone who is willing to see where things go."
"I'm looking to learn."
"I'm looking for mutual caring."
"I'm looking for something exclusive."
"I'm looking for someone with whom I have smoking hot chemistry."
"I'm looking for someone to have fun and joke with."
"I'm looking for someone educated."
"I'm looking for someone who is comfortable with different cultures."


It's the first one that bothers me.  What does it mean to say you're looking for a partner?  Well, I like how it was with RFG, to some extent.  We expected to spend our free time together.  I think it's also wanting to be there for each other, and wanting to learn more about each other.  I like what Natalie said about progression as well.  And another thing that she says is that people unfold.  All of those known and unknown unknowns.  It's good, but it's also a qualifier.  When I say I'm looking for a partner, I don't necessarily mean I'm looking for YOU to be my partner, Mr. First Date.  Anyway...

I suppose I'm feeling sad but okay.  RFG asked if we could get together for a drink sometime soon.  I'm of two minds about it.  It would probably make me feel sad.  Where can it go?  If he talks normally -- how's it going?  how're you doing?  you're good? -- I'll probably feel pissed off that he's not talking about the relationship.  If we talk about the relationship, what can we say?  (And guys don't like to talk about these things anyway.)  Rational brain: "So, it's probably best if we don't see each other."  Emotional brain: "But I'm sad and I miss him."  Body:  "I'd like to see him."  Superego:  "Okay, guys, this isn't going to end well."

In any case, my plan is to keep going dancing, to start to take an online Spanish course, and next month -- i.e., October -- bite the bullet and join JDate.  Yes, I'm thinking of checking out the tribe.  I'll give that some time to marinate, and I keep coming up with passive aggressive statements to put in my profile, many of which involve mentioning pork or shellfish.  But, as I said to my goddess friend, Jewish correlates with educated, and supposedly they're my people.  Ay yi yi...

Anyway....I'll keep y'all posted.  BTW, I wrote to the awesome wealthysinglemommy.com, and she posted a WTF Wednesday response to my situation.  She stretched the truth a bit (RFG didn't owe me any money when he ended it), but she gets much of it right.  And the discussion on the comments is interesting as well.  I'm actually thinking that the nice guy/bad boy distinction isn't as clearcut as we say it is.  But more on that another time.

Good night and Happy Labor Day!

Ten minutes to Wapner

It's a rainy day, and I'm thinking about Rain Man.  You know, that movie from the 1980s starring Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman.  One of the things Dustin Hoffman's character Raymond said near the end of the movie has stuck with me over all of this time.  Here's how it goes:

Doctor: Ray, do you want to stay and live with Charlie?
Raymond: Yeah.
Doctor: Or do you want to go back to Walbrook?
Raymond: Yeah.
Doctor: Which is it? Go back to Walbrook or stay with Charlie Babbitt?
Raymond: Go back to Walbrook, stay with Charlie Babbitt. 

That's how I feel sometimes, like I want two things that aren't mutually possible.  Raymond can't go back to Walbrook and stay with his brother Charlie.  I can't keep seeing Red Flag Guy and have the kind of relationship I want or need.  That's simply how it is.  I mean, maybe I can try for a bit.  He needs a little space, and he'll probably call me for the weekend.  But how long could I enjoy or feel healthy in a relationship that's not really a relationship, where maybe we see each other once or twice a week, but maybe we don't?  That's what RFG said he might want right now, and I know that wouldn't work for me.

But I'm doing the Rain Man thing and telling myself that maybe it will work out, that this space thing will only last for a short time, that it will get back to normal soon, after RFG sees that I'm not acting jealous (which is another whole topic for a posting, believe me).

But even "normal" wasn't good enough for me.  Why am I even continuing with things?  Well, a) I'm a wimp and can't break it off, b) I care about him and miss him, and c) there's that poem I saw in a bus in Berkeley, CA, in the summer of 1988 about how soft ties are the hardest to break, which I've looked all over for but can't seem to find on google. 

And then there are arguments about how I'm not ready to do that handstand, so perhaps I should be with (settle for?) someone who's not totally what I want or need.  Or about how we're all works in progress, so why not see him while I'm building myself up?  That last argument seems to hold the most water.  But, it's probably riddled with holes, so who knows...  

And then there's the Rambo (and, I suppose, Buddhist) argument--living day to day.

And then there's the fate/appointment at Samarra/universe takes care of you/que sera sera argument.  But the trouble with the fate line of thinking is that we all have free will, and didn't God (or whoever) give us free will to do what's right (such as ending it with someone who's not right for us)?  Argh...As Sarah Connor would say, you could go crazy thinking about all of this.

So....I'm feeling those waves of sadness.  In The Red Book, Deborah Kopaken Cogan talks about "the dense cream of sadness, aerated with time's whisk, mulled with memory's sugar."  Okay, I'm sure eventually it will be like that.  And this isn't anything major anyway, just someone I've gone out with for 5 months. But this sadness blends with past sadnesses, and like I said in the last posting, I end up mourning other things from earlier in my life. I wish I could stop being so hard on myself.  So, I'm clinging to the end, not that I want to. And I know I need to avoid certain judgmental friends who will make me feel bad about feeling bad. 

So, okay, it's just like birthing pains, right?  Look at the waves of pain like contractions, which aren't constant. And you eventually forget the pain of them. In the end, it takes effort and pushing yourself, but you figuratively give birth to new strengths and attitudes. 

I mean, there are a lot great things in my life, including my kids.  I'll get through this, and -- to paraphrase what CG said during that breakup -- be better off because of it. I just need to take that step.

And here's the other thing I'm trying to make true for myself. Until I take that step, I'm okay too. I'm judging myself and letting myself be judged, and I don't like that. What I'd like to do is to feel comfortable where I am. All I can do is start where I am. And where I am is okay...it's where I'm meant to be. I need to be patient with myself, and see how things develop with RFG. Not that I think things will get better or miraculously change. I need to see how I'm feeling about things, and make my decision in time. Because it really is my decision, and not anyone else's.

Whew...gotta take my lunch break.  We'll see...stay well!

Processing....

Okay, so my last post was pretty frantic.  And I'm still feeling pretty crappy.  But I'm not as feeling as bad as I was, so that's good.

Lots of lessons learned in the last few days, and lots more to learn. Why is my happiness and well-being SO tied up in who I date? (Or who I don't date, as it may be...it's not clear at this point).  I always come to the conclusion that it's how I was raised. It's the fault of my parents, who presented themselves and their narcissistic little coupledom world as the be all and end all at the end of the rainbow.  Why did I absorb it so much, while at the same time I felt disgusted by it?  It's just how your family situation messes you up. 

According to Natalie Lue and others, I apparently try to recreate that situation in my relationships, because a) it's comfortable to me, and b) I want to win over the people who rejected me.  I don't know how Red Flag Guy fills that slot, but I've certainly felt like I need to win him over.  How do I move away from that to a healthier place?  I've subscribed to Natalie Lue's "Get Out of Stuck," so perhaps tomorrow's e-mail will enlighten me.

When things were falling apart with RFG on Sunday night, I had the sense that it was like the appointment in Samarra. Even though I hadn't owned my story and told him what bothered me about his behavior, somehow it came out anyway.  Somehow it was fated to come out, I was fated to speak my piece and share my fears, even if I didn't want to.  What a mess.  But at least now my mess is out in the light, right?  Hopefully the sun will beat down and dry it to the consistency of crackling leaves, so I'll be able to sweep it up and dispose of it. 

But, in the meantime, I'm feeling the pain of it all. 
 
I'm scared. There's something inside me that feels so sad.  I'm mourning my long-time sadness and my hurt, if that makes sense at all.  I'm sad for the little girl inside me.  It's been a long time coming.  When I was a teenager, I compulsively overate to dull this pain.  My busy-ness with guys, with the kids, with activities, with work -- it all covers up my fear and my pain.  It's okay.  I need to do this.  I need space on my own to process and work through things.  I still can't do the handstand, but I'm getting stronger. 

And I'm recognizing patterns.  How many times I've put myself in new situations, where I feel like I don't belong, and it feels like home because that's how home was in some important ways. At IFFP, it's all couples and me.  I mean, what the hell...I get a lot out of it, but I use my feelings of non-belonging as an excuse to remain on the outside, uncommitted.  And it feels familiar.

And I've also managed to articulate some characteristics I want to see in the men I date:  Respect, integrity, attention, care, courtesy, and compassion.  So, that's something, at least.  And I've realized how grateful I am for certain nonjudgmental friends.

So, things will either continue with RFG or they won't.  He needs some space.  I do too, actually.  I was getting unhealthily dependent on him.  One lesson I learned around a year ago is that you are where you are, and no matter how wonderful any guy is, your emotional availability dictates how you can connect with him.  I need this space so I can work on myself and get healthier.  There's so much I can do--salsa, friends, camping with my son, house stuff.  But RFG's behavior and his decision are beyond my control.  And that's okay, as long as I feel like I've owned my story.  In any case, I feel better now that I've talked to him.  I thought he was dissing me by disappearing on me. 

The most important work I need to do, obviously, is on myself.  I need to take care of the little girl inside me.  I don't have a good sense of everything it entails, but I know the last few days have been instructional.  I'm feeling sad, but better than I was. Getting closer to that handstand.